Birthday Lunches --

I don’t remember when it started, I’m sure it was my wife’s idea. But when each of our elementary school kids had a birthday I would take them out of school and go to lunch. This was one of their favorite things, not only did they get to chose whatever kind of food they wanted but they also got to miss a little school. When they went into the sixth grade and entered middle school it became a little harder so that’s when it ended. That was Ok since I always had another child to take their place.

Where we ate was their idea – and after a few suggestions they would make the final decision. This was a pretty safe assignment since they always chose between a couple of alternatives. Usually it boiled down to only two different places – a Chinese restaurant or a local pizza joint. They both have a luncheon special that included more food then they would want to eat, which made it so I got a little extra. This all changed last month when our youngest daughter had her eleventh birthday. Next year she is going to middle school and I’m going to have to go to lunch by myself. So this was going to be my last hurrah – like had happened many times before she chose the pizza place.

Now that she’s a little older she figured out you could skip the salad and get two pieces of garlic bread instead. No extra food for me, oh well it’s not like I needed it. This place has become a birthday favorite; I’ve gone there with all of the kids at least once. But this time something happened that had never happened before. As we were finishing up our dinner an elderly couple approached us, the man addressed my daughter and said “ Isn’t it great that your grandfather is taking you out to lunch.” She turned and looked at me with that look – what am I supposed to say? I said, “Yes it’s her birthday.” After they left I explained that there was no reason to make them feel bad – even if they already made me feel bad. Like I’ve said in a number of my stories, I look a little older than I am. Now if I look ten years older than I am and our oldest child is twenty-five. I guess it’s completely possible that I could have an eleven-year-old grandchild. I’ve had things like this happen so many times that it really doesn’t bother me.

It did get me to start thinking a bit; maybe if I live old enough I could continue this tradition when I do have grandchildren in school. That would be pretty cool, of course there’s a couple of possible problems. One is that they may not live close enough to do it and even then it’s at least six years away, since I don’t have any grandchildren yet. I guess it boils down to the fact that it’s not only one of our kids favorite thing's - it's one of mine as well.

Super Bowl Bet --

The Super Bowl bet was a farce – I didn’t care who won the stupid game. Either way I was going to win. Now it’s true because the L.A. Raiders won I wouldn’t have to pay for dinner. I convinced a goddess to bet on the outcome of the game. I guess I could just ask her out – but I had a hard time asking myself out. What a great way for a coward like me to get lucky.

Getting ready I changed my shirt three times – I only had five in the first place! I had an errand in the big city, so she agreed to make it a long evening. This was kind of like playing Russian Roulette for her. If we hit it off, it gave us plenty of time to make it great: if not, it could have been endless torment. She was way too nice to make my life miserable.

Well, here we go, Man I’m nervous – all the sudden I need to pee. There’s got to be some medical explanation why I need to go to the bathroom every time I get nervous. I better pull over at that gas station, which gives her time to check out her hair in the mirror – not that she could make it look any better. That hour and a half drive sure went fast, I never stopped talking. After I took care of my errand, she wanted me to pick where to eat. If I took us someplace to get an expensive steak, she’d think I’m a jerk since she has to pay. The Spaghetti Factory! -- that doesn’t sound too expensive, and it ended up being quite romantic --- candles and everything. Maybe I shouldn’t have ordered the Italian sausage? That’s got to be my fifth glass of water – where’s the bathroom in this place?

This has been great for me; I wonder what she’s thinking? “Hey do you want to go to the planetarium and watch the light show?” Man she’s gorgeous, I need to make this thing last as long as possible. Maybe by the end she’ll see through the nerves and know I’m a nice guy. I can’t believe it - I need to pee again. Maybe it’s some primitive instinct where the male needs to mark his territory.

Boy, she smells wonderful. That was great. “We’re close to the university-- do you want to see if anything is going on?” Please let there be something going on! At home they have dances at the church institute every Friday night. There are a few cars at this institute, “Let’s check it out.” There weren’t that many people there and they all acted like they knew each other. I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass. Alright, a slow dance, that was the highlight of the night. I didn’t care everyone was looking at us asking each other – “Who are those people?” We might as well grab some cookies and punch on the way out. If your acting like you’re invited you might as well have dessert. Oh, where is the bathroom?

“Let’s go home it’s getting late.” I wonder what we’ll talk about; she knows everything but my shoe size by now. I haven’t shut up all day; she seems to be Ok with it and is talking as well. Maybe she’s actually having a great time, too. After one more stop, can someone really need to go to the bathroom this many times? Driving home during an unusual quiet moment, I decided to ask her something intelligent. No answer-- should I ask again? Oh my gosh, she’s asleep. What does that mean? Did I wear her out or am I really that boring? I better let her sleep; at least there’s one thing that was her idea. Well we’re home, “Lori, wake-up.” She seemed embarrassed that she had fallen asleep, but she told me she had a great time and wanted to do it again. I smiled and said, “Me too.” but I had to hurry or I would have wet my pants. Six times in one night that has to be some kind of record.

All I know is that I really liked this girl and after twenty-five years and five kids together, I still think she’s the greatest. She doesn’t make me as nervous anymore, so there are fewer trips to the bathroom. But she had to think something was wrong with me.

New Years Resolution -- Published 1/1/2010 HJ

At the first of every year people seem to try to improve spiritually, mentally and physically, many times we tie these attempts in a pretty bow called New Year's resolutions. Occasionally these goals are quite obvious that they need to be done in the first place. Other times I hate it when things aren't my fault, but I still have to suffer for it.

My wife and I went away for a couple of days for our anniversary to Park City. Part of our occasional trips to Summit County always includes going to the outlet malls. This is a place where name brand manufactures have their own store and sell last years merchandise or things they have too much of at a discount - mixed in with the regular stuff at the full price.

At one stores there was a family where the parents were having a hard time with their two children, or I should say the mother was having a hard time. The fact that their boys were beating the crap out of each other and screaming bloody murder, this was over shadowed by the father’s lack of concern. As the oldest was crying uncontrollably, I heard the father yell, “Suck it up.” He didn’t have any time for this; he had just found the mother-load, Eddie Bauer polo shirts for less than ten dollars. Quickly grabbing four shirts in different colors, he turned to his wife and said: "that should do it – I just need a few shirts that fit, all of my others have shrunk."

Damn washer, or in Utah I guess I'm supposed to say dang washer. I guess technically it could have been the dryer! But the dryer already has enough of it own problems; it eats all of my socks. I wonder why it only eats one of each color? Now I don’t think it makes much difference to point out that the man looked like the late Chris Farley and I have no idea if he lives in a van down by the river. Mr. Farley’s character - Matt Foley, in this famous Saturday Night Live scene was a motivational speaker, and his speech was as effective as “Suck it up.”

Our washer has been shrinking my clothes for years. When we got married twenty-five years ago I wore pants with a thirty-inch waist. They kept shrinking so I started buying larger ones so they could make it through more washes. Now the materials they make clothes out of must be cheap – because buying a thirty-eight inch waist is to tight after they have been washed.

Other things seem not to be working right as well. We have had the same scales for years – but the numbers are all screwed up. The first number was always a one and now it’s always a two. The stupid first number doesn’t even work when my eleven-year-old daughter steps on the scales. I don’t use them anymore – why would I, it doesn’t show the right number? Despite all the things I can’t control, I should be happy I’ve got it a lot better than most people – at least I don’t have to diet or work out regularly.

Now all I have to do is figure out is how to fix our scales and that dang washer. Maybe that's what I'll set as my News Years resolutions -- I can't think of anything else!