Pioneer Trek Practical Joke

It's usually a bad idea to play in an intersection or announce to a bunch of people your doing something wrong before you do it. Under the same concept of DAAA.. you really shouldn't play a practical joke on someone who has more authority or opportunity to get you back. If you make your boss look like an idiot - they better have a great sense of humor or your a great employee they can't do without and hopefully both. Otherwise their act of revenge could make your life miserable. I guess I shouldn't have used the word idiot - you shouldn't pull a joke if it makes them look that bad.

One such occasion was on the golf course - in what many organizations call a team building experience. It's more like an opportunity to get out of the office and play. Now I wasn't the one that had the perfect prop - but I was willing to use it. In all there were close to twenty people from our group on the course that day. Word got out what was going to happen and most of them wanted to see it go down. On many golf courses a number of holes come pretty close to each other and the boss was about to tee off in one of those locations. The majority of us pulled our carts off a short distance away and walked to the tee box - kind of like let's talk and let the boss show us what he's got.

I'm usually one of the vocal ones, I approached the ball making some kind of comment that I needed to know what kind of ball he was using in case I got hit later in the round. Insinuating that he couldn't hit straight and we were in danger. But the true reason for my approach was to change his ball. Now the new ball looked real and unless you looked closely it was hard to tell - we just hoped he didn't check it out. After the switch others joined in, encouraging him to show us his stuff and let it rip. Now this guy was as competitive as the rest of us and he was going to make the greatest shot of the day, perhaps his life. Stepping up to the ball, he went through the shacks, twists, turns and practice swings. Then with all he had - swung for the fences. The next part was classic, hitting the ball it exploded into a cloud of dust, powder - I really don't know what it was made of. There was a definite expression of confusion in his eyes and body as he wondered what had just taken place - of course as the cloud cleared he was met with laughter from the rest of us. After a second or so he understood what had taken place and joined in - the perfect presentation.

Another event that would make this list took place on the plains of Wyoming. This was with a church group and I couldn't have been fired - but it was done to someone that had plenty of opportunities to get me back. My victim was one of our fearless leaders, a member of the Stake Presidency. We were on a pioneer trek with about two hundred teenagers. In order to keep track of the kids and make it fun we split them up into families of eight to ten with two adults that acted as their parents for a couple of days. These parent was what our position was - they called us Ma's and Pa's. In our group was my victims own kid, thus the reason he wanted to spend time in our group. As we were preparing to make the five mile hike back to the camp ground - President Larsen the Second Councilor in the Stake Presidency came up to me and asked if it was OK to walk back with our group. Of course that would be great! He had to go to the restroom and would be ready to head out when he was done.

This gave me just enough time to set the stage and prepare the troops. I pulled everyone together and told them about our visitor. I instructed them that while on the trail when I said who's turn is it - they should respond "I've done it - I've done it." Then I turned to his son and said "you need to make sure you do it as well." He chuckled and agreed to participate, now I had accomplices. It takes a while to walk five miles, so I just had to wait for the perfect opportunity. When I thought it was there I said OK who's turn is it? None of the kids knew what was going to follow their assigned lines - so each of them gladly joined in, if for no other reason than to see what would follow. "I've done it, I've done it, each person joined in the baiting of the hook! President Larsen wanted to know what they were talking about and what they had done. To understand this event I need to point out that for years each of these kids had been part of the primary organization and one of the things they do is sing songs about faith, worship and their heritage. One song tells the story that as pioneer children walking across the plains they passed the time by singing songs as they walked.

I turned to President Larsen and said "Oh you know the song - primary children sang as they walked and walked - we are each taking turns singing a solo. It must be your turn!" He asked what he should sing - "anything you want." He thought for a moment and started into his song - it was a great performance. After he was done we all clapped, then I turned to the kids and said - "now something else you need to know is that when you sin - you need to repent. President Larsen none of us sang a song." We all had a great laugh then he turned to his son and said "you didn't sing either." Depending on the way you look at it that wasn't the end of the story. A year or so later President Larsen called me as the new Stake Young Men's President, that was in charge of planning the next trek - a huge job. When the Stake Presidency was released he was called as the new Stake President and I was called as his counselor. He hasn't made me sing in public yet - but I've had a lot of other assignments. Just be careful who you pull a trick on or get to close too - they may keep you busy for years.

Brother from a different Mother!

The benefit of being a brother with different DNA is that you would have more hair, a smaller head and no heritage that includes an uncle that died on bad Mexican whisky in the arms of a senorita that wasn't his own, or a grandpa that hit on girls at his own wife's funeral. I'm sure we could come up with a lot of positive reasons that our DNA doesn't match on both sides of the fence. I guess both of us would agree that our differences are more than the normal biological maladies that siblings would possess. For the most part this has been a positive that we don't have too much in common!

Technically we're all brothers and sisters in the eternal sense - but if I understand it correctly that doesn't mean we have the same mother. It's safe to say that our greatest bond isn't because of the fruit of someone’s loins, but is a kinship that has evolved or has been forged because of events, circumstances and situations that can't be coincidences. These events have come through joy, sorrow and service that have woven a tapestry that is inseparable over approximately a third of our lives.

So much for first impressions - you put me in the same category or character as someone we have talked about often, and if I was like him I would be nauseous from the radical swings of extremism's. (That's a whole different story!) It took Lori to make sure I considered your placement in the new ward's bishopric. Then the spirit made sure it took place - this is one of the greatest tender mercies in my life. It took a while before we started to click in a way that you would know what I was thinking and start the process to take care of things before being asked. This was always done in the proper order and authority. That was even more obvious when we were released and would look in each other’s direction when something wasn't being done the way we thought it should be.

The one time calling a president was the only time I can remember we didn't click at the same pace. I had some fun with that one - but in the end the Lord's will was accomplished, and the rest of the ward sat in shock needing to receive their confirmation. My Sunday morning rituals were enhanced by our companionship discussions that weren't planned but just seemed to evolve. That relationship was founded on a service foundation has never left those precious roots. Blessings, decisions and strength have always been drawn from this relationship - the byproduct has made it stronger and more dependable.

This has evolved into other aspects of our lives: travel, parties, dinner and games. Our families have an extended relationship and closeness. I still don't know how you beat me at basketball on the high seas! I think that the ship was swaying so that your normally off center shot became straight and sure. At least I didn't lose to Curtis. Golf is nothing more than a diversion for a higher purpose. We both seem to be a little too competitive -- I've never broken my hand in frustration or in an attempt to motivate, or was it both. But you haven't been kicked out of a church basketball game - one of the few fights that begin with prayer. Both of our lives haven't followed the format we would have chosen or thought was in our best interest. Ashley was your miracle that you wish would be duplicated over and over. Your influence on our children is greater that you will ever realize. If you were to give any of them advice - they would think it's closer to thus saith the Lord than anyone else that doesn't have the title of prophet seer and revelator. I know that last part is hard for you to hear - but I agree with it. It's not to make you feel awkward - it shows the process you have of including the Lord in your daily life. Thank goodness for football to bring you back to earth.

Before I get to mushy and build you a monument in the back yard - I cherish the fact that you have become a brother, mentor, example and friend. It's hard for me to have such things - I had two different dogs that ran away the first chance they had.

Over the river and through the woods!

I don't know when or who wrote the song - but going to grandma's house has always been an adventure. Since we've been married we have lived about a six or seven hours drive from Lori's parent's. The younger the kids the more often we made the journey to grandma's. Now that their older it has become a once or twice a year event - but it's usually been on Thanksgiving. I don't know how many rivers we've crossed, there are a number of canyons or woods - but most of the way is covered by sagebrush and then at the end even cactus. When people ask what we're doing for Thanksgiving I always love to see their faces when I tell them were going to Vegas. "Hey baby let's go to Vegas" and "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" might be the themes of the parting crowd, but when we go it's the same as any other visit to the in-laws in a normal suburbia neighborhood. We never go to the strip or see much of the glitz and glamor - except occasionally we go to the casino's, because they have the best movie theaters or bowling. Most of my wife's family lives there, so it's no big deal to them that we come - but its a highlight for our family. Since most of these stories are for historical remembrances there are a couple of memories I should point out. After Lori and I were married we were making our way to Vegas on a unorganized honeymoon to make it to our wedding reception. In a small town named Meadow we were at a gas station and a little bird flew into the store window and died. For years I've turned off the radio or TV and had a moment of silence as we pass Meadow in remembrance of the little bird that lost it's life as we were beginning our life together. On the way there we always eat in Nephi and gassed up in St. George. On the way back we eat and gas up in Cedar City. It's almost like we're creatures of habit - everyone is fine as long as we don't change the agenda. We always need to switch seats at each stop and we had a portable TV that with the help of bungee cords and a makeshift stand made it nice to pass the time. I'm just glad we never got into and accident and that would go fling thought the windshield. When they would say how much further - the answer was in the form of how many more movies they needed to watch. For the first ten or fifteen years we would stop in Kannaraville to see Lori's Grandmother. When we make it to Vegas then the fun begins - well that depends on who you ask, we do do some things that we can't do in Logan. Spencer was the one that had the hardest time at grandma's - all of his cousins were girls and sitting around and visiting only made it fun for a couple of minutes. SO we went to the go-karts, Red Rock canyon, movies etc. Now the girls always want to go shopping and spend time with thee cousins. No matter what way you look at it - being with family was always the highlight of the trip.

Fast Track

We moved to Logan in the Spring of 1994 - this was coming home for me. One of the first things we did was start building of our new home. So I convinced a friend to rent us part of his house during the construction process, this worked out great for both of us since he was single and had more room than he needed. Since I was coming home there was a real possibility that there would be a number of people that knew me from before - good and bad. Also because I came from a large family there was the reputation of those whom associated with the people I was forced to live with as a child. Now you would have to agree it was forced - but in my case that wasn't bad at all, I actually liked my family. Church wise we lived in a different stake than I grew up in and I had a brother that a few years before had been on the High Council and served as as the first Bishop of the Crockett Ward in our new stake. Apparently he had done a wonderful job - which was good for him, but kind of put me on the radar when I showed up. Within a couple of weeks I was called to visit with a member of the stake presidency and was called as a stake missionary. This can be a hard job especially when there are only a couple of people in the area that don't belong to our church. This was a calling I had held a couple of years earlier in Ogden where there was a little more possibility of success. Lori was called with me and it was the first time we worked together in a church calling. It didn't last very long. After we moved into our house - I received another opportunity to meet with the stake presidency. This time it was all of them not just one of the three. So after only serving a few months as missionaries I was called to the High Council and both Lori and I were released from the stake mission. The greatest blessing of being called to the High Council was that my father was able to ordain me to the office of High Priest - he was in failing health and I'm sure this is the last ordinance he preformed during his great life of service. That was one of the tender mercies that I am so thankful for. Now I met with the stake presidency a couple times a month - but not one 0n one like those two interviews. If that was my goal it didn't take long before I had another opportunity. After a few months on the High Council I was called to be a member of the Bishopric in the 40th ward - a singles ward in our stake. I was the second counselor and had a wonderful experience for a couple of months at which time the first counselor was called to a new position. Well guess who became the new first counselor? There isn't a lot of difference except you get another interview with the stake presidency. They never meet with you along - at least not for all of the time. Lori was always asked to come along, to make sure that she could support what I was doing. We had a lot of little kids and it's hard when your husband is off playing around and your left to fend for yourself. She was great and always said the right things even if it wasn't easy to accept. The hardest part for her was that we didn't go to the same meetings and if the kids were acting up I couldn't give them the evil eye of - shape up or else. Oh well - that didn't last much longer as we received a call in October of 1995 to come meet with the stake presidency again. This would be the fifth interview in less than a year and a half. Like all but the first one, there were all three members of the presidency in the room. After we all shook hands, which is definitely and Mormon necessity - Lori made a profound statement, "don't you guys know anyone else in the stake?" Now having served in the stake presidency later, I know that they had other interviews during the year - but that's what it felt like. At that time I was called as the first Bishop of the Eastridge Ward, that was formed a couple of weeks later. This was another sacrifice for the family which Lori supported - but at least now we were in the same meetings and I could see what the kids were doing.

Nunheimer

What's in a name? When you think about it your first name really shouldn't say anything about you. It was given before your parents knew your personality, likes or moods. Now the last name that could bring with it some baggage - I guess a first name could too if your named after an extended family member. Your last name shows your heritage - comes with the DNA, looks and possible weaknesses or deceases. My father had Alzheimer's, studies show that it can be hereditary. My mother and her father both had heart attacks which run in curtain lines. The mom's side of the equation usually doesn't pass on their name, but the DNA is just as powerful. I can't do anything about the DNA or the possible problems - it's the heritage that I hope I can live up too. Each of the boys in my family have middle names that are part of our heritage. My two oldest brothers have my mothers maiden name. The next one has the name of the family that took my father in at a young age and raised him as one of their own, they gave him a home and the love that he had never felt up to that time. Both of these names have extended meanings and should give those that posses them the desire to honor and carry it on with pride. My middle name is Nunheimer - as you can tell it is defiantly German. This is my grandmothers maiden name of, the one that died from complication giving birth to my father. The ultimate sacrifice, she died a few days after he was born I hope she had the chance to hold him and tell him she loved him. At least that's how I envision those few critical days after his birth. Her death set off a series of events that would challenge anyone - but they weren't fair for a child. My father was the only link to the future for the DNA of Nell Nunheimer, these were passed on to each of his children. So with-in my veins and make-up are strands of her DNA, physical straights and weaknesses. I could have some of her mannerisms, looks and who knows what else. We don't have a lot of information about Nell and her family, they lived in Indiana and her parents were immigrants from German that used the name of Nunheim on the journey. Theres a poem about Nancy Hanks the mother of Abraham Lincoln who died when he was nine - believed to be written by Rosemary Benet. Nancy Hanks came back as a ghost wanting to know how her son turned out. "Wheres my son? What happened to Abe? Whats he done?" My father never turned out to be a President or freed millions of slaves - but he was a huge success, he was the father of ten, an attorney, a public and church leader, I'm sure Nell would be pleased to know what he made of his life. Now it's my turn - what would she think of her name sake?

Doctor -Teacher - Mentor - Friend

There's tons of titles in life, some are achieved others are earned. The term Doctor is earned with a lot of education and dedication. For the purpose of my story this title can be used for both a father and a son. There was a family that just lived around the corner from us during the growing up years. The father was a professor at the local University and had his Doctorate - thus earning the title. The son was one of my friends and went on to medical school and then specialized in Orthopedics. When curtain people meet them on the street they would address them as Doctor. I've learned a lot over the years from these two great men and would consider each of them a great influences in my life - but neither of them has ever served me in their doctoring capacities. The son's first title of the listed possibilities was friend - but he's taught me a lot as well. He's the young man I mentioned in the story "Fish" that beat us all to the draw, thus receiving the coveted prize. More as a hobby this family had a farm about twenty minutes outside of town and once in a while I would go there to help. The first time I went my friend told me to pick up a stick and follow him. We went over to a grain bin and when he opened it up there were three or four mice running for cover - we proceeded to use the stick before they could escape. On that same visit we both happened to need to take a pee at the same time. Instead of going back to the house he said let's just go over here out of the way. Now why in the heck would I bring this up - well he forgot to tell me that we were standing in front of an electric fence. Of course he knew, making sure that he was really careful. It didn't take long for me to understand that liquid is a great conductor of electricity. I didn't go to the farm that often, and there were times the family went and my friend stayed home as well. I don't know all of the details but he didn't think his parents were coming home one night. When they did, they decided to make sure he was in bed. As they looking in him room, in a half unconscious state, he thought someone had broken into the house. Instead of running past them or opening the window - he just did a swan dive through the glass on to the bushes and made a mad bash for our house. Back in those days no one ever locked the doors and he came right in and woke us up. So two of my older brothers, myself and my friend started for his house with bats and what ever else we could find as weapons to see what was going on. As we were crossing the street his dad drove up trying to find the sleeping escape artist. The father was always a great teacher and mentor for all of us kids - he was one of the scout leaders mentioned in "Nude People" and was always finding a way to let us know what was right, but more importantly he always made us feel good about ourselves and the accomplishment we archived.

100

Ya - the crest, the climax, the reaching of a lofty goal. When I started this hobby, quest or dream I had decided to write a hundred entries - stories or what ever you want to call them. This is it! When I look over the titles there are only a few that I'm not proud of - I have a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. There are approximately fifteen or twenty that I would consider my classics - the ones that make me laugh just thinking of them. This quest started when my loving wife told me that my church talks needed some more spice - that I needed to add personal experiences so they wouldn't be so boring. Then I realised that many of my stories aren't the one's you'd tell in church - I wanted them to be recorded as well. It's also been said that I' m not as funny as I think I am, so I'm not offender that others don't like my stories as much as I do. As far as my fleeting memories allow - all of them are true and happened just like they are written, minus a bit of humor. I have sent copies to many people that are involved and asking them to make corrections if they thought it needed to be done. As I was talking to Lori and my daughter Kamie about the number 100, my mind went to the classic movie scene in the the movie "You've Got Mail" when Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are talking about the e-mail address of her pen pal or secret admirer. Unbeknown to Meg Ryan that person is Tom Hanks and the movie is approaching the time in which this fact will be made known to her. That e-mail address is NY152, they are trying to decide what the number 152 stands for - "he's a 152 years old, he had 152 moles removed and he has 152 pockmarks on his face, 152 people that thinks he looks like Clark Gable, 152 people that think he looks like a Clarke Bar." She then says "152 insights into my soul." Indeed writing stories about your life and experiences is like bearing 100 insights into my soul. Many of these are spiritual experiences, others are poking fun of my shortcoming and mistakes. But for the most part this is who and what I am. The experiences that each of us have are what make us the kinds of people that we are. Not only has this been a journey but in a way it has become a obsession, I have had five different entries printed in the local paper and many others sent to friends and family. Most of them still need to be edited and I'm not the greatest orator. I want to take some time to add pictures and correct the spelling and grammar. I also have decided that the reaching of this goal isn't the end of my journey, but it will continue - hopefully for years as I continue to write and make a fool out of myself.

What did you say?

First things first - some of you might find this one to be a little offensive, that wasn't my intent and if you feel that way I'm sorry. We all say things that are stupid or use a word that doesn't mean the same thing it once did, hows a person suppose to know? Some people are masters of speech and languages, they are able to speak volumes with only a few words or ideas. This doesn't always mean that what they are saying is correct or worth listening too. I've heard politicians give a discourse or presentation that was concise, eloquent and full of crap. Maybe that's why they were elected in the first place. I guess if someone tells you what you want to hear you may vote for them weather or not they have the ability or desires to fulfill their promises. Others use a word that they didn't intend to use or even know what it means. An acquittance told me that his toddler was begging him to watch the movie 101 Damnation's - now this is a more realistic concept than someone having 101 spotted dogs. Just let the kid watch cable TV for a couple of hours and they will see more than 101 things that someone would view as damnable offences. We took a group of teenagers on a pioneer trek to understand their heritage and what sacrifices where made in their behalf. There is a wonderful place in central Wyoming ran by Mormon missionaries where a number of pioneers lost their lives trekking to their Zion. During the orientation an Elderly missionary kept telling the kids that they shouldn't wear thongs because of the roughness of the trail, snakes and the dirt. That's what we use to call flip flops and this poor woman was as clueless as the kids were as to why she was spending time talking about such an embarrassing topic. At least none of the them slept through the presentation. This isn't the only word that has changed meaning - when I was a kid and went to church they had a separate meeting for the kids called Primary. The best part of it was singing time, we sang hundreds of songs. There were two that parts of the song aren't in the book anymore. One went something like this, "I am gay tra-la-la, night and day tra-la-la. The other one said, "I'm so glad when grandpa comes, when grandpa comes we're gay." I don't think these are songs they want your children singing at church. If a little boy walked down the street singing about his grandpa - there might be an investigation. A co-worker didn't feel so good the other day and took some medication, it kind of did some things to her, as she was laying down she made the comment that she was feeling a little queer. That's a blast from the past. I'm sure the medication wasn't making her question her sexual preference. My grandmother use to always say when someone make a mistake that they puller a big boner - I looked it up in the dictionary, it said a blunder or mistake. That might be true, but still don't say it in mixed company. All of these examples are because of changes in society or interpretation - but that doesn't change the fact that some people just don't have tact or don't care what people think. I was given the opportunity to serve as the head of our congregation at church. This is a big job and takes a lot of your spare time. This is a volunteer position and so you don't get paid. Right after I was sustain a lady came up to me and said she couldn't believe I was called to such a position. She stated that I was the most immature and irreverent person she knew - how would you like to start out with those expectations? Luckily for me she wasn't a member of my congregation, she has never brought up the topic again and I have long since been released. The other day my brother and I attended a viewing for one of our old friends that grew up in the neighborhood. There were a number of people from what we could now call the hood. One elderly couple was there that has know us for ever - he started to comment on how well we turned out and how proud he was of us. She decided to join in and said "I didn't think you guys would amount to anything." Well at least she didn't tell us that back then - maybe we would have believed her. I guess we need to remember that each of us have different opinions and some of the time what we are saying isn't looked at the way it was intended to be.

General Conference Tradition –

Some traditions are so embedded that who knows where they started or why we keep them going - we just need too. As a kid our Mom use to make rice pudding every Christmas - no one liked it but Dad. I'm sure there were some deep seeded memories - or it was just a chance for him to have something he liked without ten kids devouring it. That's the reason he bought Maple Nut Ice Cream - it would last longer than the twelve seconds it took us to realize there was Ice Cream in the house. Other times everyone knows when a tradition started - we had so much fun at an event that we're just trying to recreate the memories. Occasionally that's like trying to get lighting to strike in the same place twice. When there's a large difference in ages between the kids, we just want the younger ones to have the sames experiences. Growing up Lori had Easter egg huts - that works great in warm Las Vegas, but in Logan it's still cold and there could still be snow at Easter. So we decided to do it inside. Now the Easter Bunny is great at hiding eggs, so good that we've found some months later. Because there's a thirteen-year difference between the oldest and youngest children it's hard to make it fair and keep the older ones enthused. One of my co-workers gave me the perfect solution. Midst all the eggs, baskets and candy he placed plastic eggs filled with money. Tell a couple of staving college kids that there is money involved and someone could get a bloody nose. Thus began a new tradition. One year one of our daughters decided to bring along a kid that thought he wanted to be part of the family - what in the heck was she thinking? He came from a great family - but apparently they don't believe in candy or treats. He had never had an Easter basket let alone a free-for-all egg hunt. Well if he still wants to be part of the family after this? I guess I shouldn't put it all on one tradition - we have plenty of things that might drive away a possible suitor. He was defiantly hesitant and reserved. It didn't drive him away so the next Easter when he was part of the family, watch out - he was part of a starving college student dual. I have a feeling that our grandchildren will be hunting Easter eggs for years to come. This isn't even the story I wanted to tell. A tradition I've continued from my youth happens at General Conference. After the general Priesthood meeting all of the men would go out for dinner or a treat - this was just about the only time we went out, why wouldn't I be excited about that? Only having one son this would be great and not that expensive. He wasn't invited until he turned twelve - that's old enough to decide where he wanted to eat. Living in a predominantly Mormon community there are a lot of people that go out for dinner after, sometimes the lines at the restaurants are quite long. Well here we go his first opportunity to choose - really Panda Express? Well it didn't cost very much and there was only one other group there so we didn't have to wait very long. Over the years we've never gone to the same place twice - but for some reason the food has gotten better and more expensive with each visit. Panda Express, Fire House Pizzeria, Copper Mill Restaurant - then we went to some Japanese place with my brothers. The last one was a testosterone heaven, now that 's not it's name - but it could be since it's an all-you-can-eat meat fest. Rodizio's is a Brazilian restaurant where they walk around with big skewers of meat to cut off a slice at any table where people haven't passed out yet. I'll admit it was good and expensive. This time one of my son-in-laws decided he wanted to be part of the tradition, this isn't the same guy that never had an Easter basket, it's the other one - oh sure decide to become part of a tradition when we're going for the mother lode! My son has been on a mission the past couple of times and I'm sure we'll start the tradition back up when he gets home. I don't know where we'll go - but I know it will be expensive and worth every penny!

Selfish?

Dinner with six adults, two teenagers and seven kids eleven and under – that’s fifteen in all. There was two pans of lasagna – stacks of garlic bread, bread sticks, green beans and ceasar salad. I guess I should have known it wasn't going to be a normal meal when the four-year old that blessed the food prayed that we would be able to go to Disneyland. Ashley took a heaping helping of salad, it probably wasn’t half of it - but it looked like it. I questioned her on it –“excuse me there are a lot of people that want salad, you don’t have to be so selfish!” She answered – “I’m not trying to be selfish, I just wanted it.” Is taking more than you need or more than your fair share selfish, or is it just taking care of your wants or perceived needs? That’s a stupid question; I guess those that are selfish or self-centered don’t see it that way. Latrell Sprewell a professional basketball player was offended when his team offered to resign him for only eleven million dollars a year – after he had been making more the year before. I think in his explanation he stated that he “wouldn’t be able to feed his family.” Now if I had to feed the group I mentioned for every meal and we had steak, lobster – what in the heck are they eating? “Bernard Madoff, the author of the biggest Ponzi scheme in history, told inmates at the Butner prison where he is serving his 150 years jail sentence that his victims deserved what happened to them, because they were rich and greedy, according to an article in New York Magazine. One evening a fellow prisoner kept asking Madoff about the victims of his $65 billion scheme and Madoff, angered, said: (blank) my victims. I carried them for twenty years, and now I'm doing 150 years." (CNBC.com 6/7/2010) Madoff – what a great name for a scammer, he “made off” with a lot of other peoples money. I guess it’s not selfish if you think your entitled or those that suffer deserved it. But who gets to be the judge – those that check your kids height, weight and write them a prescription now and then are ten times more important than those that teach them to read. At least you would think so if you checked their pay stubs. Boy - I’m being a lot more political than normal. When it comes to our children, each of them seem to have a different opinion of what they are entitled too. Some don’t ask for much when others seem to have their hand out while the other one is in my back pocket. Now I shouldn’t be throwing the first stone – I think about what’s best for me before those around me all the time – I definitely have more pity parties than birthday parties and that includes all of my families as well. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we should stop once in a while and think of how our actions affect those around us. I’m sure not all of Madoff’s victims could afford to lose their money. All I know is that the lasagna was great - but I didn’t get any salad!

Filler –

There are a number of things that people are scared of: Death, I think we all know why - we’ve never done it before. Taxes, this is especially true when you get a letter or call from the IRS. I’ve never received a call but I have gotten and couple of letters. Both times I was right, but I had to prove it. After a couple of faxes of a birth certificate and social security card they decided to let me keep one of my kids. The next year I think the computer hadn’t gotten all of the bad information out – so I had it do it all over again. It wasn’t that big of a deal, it just delayed part of my return. I think we could go on forever discussing what people are afraid of. They say that one of the most common fears is public speaking. My little sister thought public speaking was talking to anyone other than our family. I think that for the first half of her life she hid behind our mother whenever we left the house. We were only a year apart in school and when we got to high school hardly anyone knew I had a little sister. Maybe that’s because we didn’t look or act a bit alike – it was easy for her to hideout as I was in front of everyone trying to get attention. I was willing to speak anytime – anyplace, whether I was suppose too or not. That doesn’t mean I don’t get nervous or crash and burn once in a while. The scriptures say that if ye are prepared ye shall not fear. I don’t think they were talking about public speaking. But it’s my experience the more prepare you are the better it usually turns out. Normally I’m obsessed when it comes to preparation for talks or presentations – usually I go over it so such you’d think I have it memorized, that may be true if I was twenty years younger – but at my age I don’t remember what I had for dinner yesterday. When most people are speaking they need to have fillers of phases when they change ideas or try to collect their thought. When done right this is a valuable tool – but when it’s not done right it can be quite distracting and detrimental to the presentation. Quite often I need to listen to a speaker or attend a seminar where those that are suppose to be in the know impart of their wisdom. One presenter seemed to be a little disorganized and used the word uhh, is that a word? He used it more than forty times in a fifteen-minute presentation. Now the reason I said more that forty times is because it took a moment before I started counting – that’s when it became obvious it was going to be the theme of his remarks. Now if your audience is counting uhh’s I promise you they will not remember what you wanted them to know. I really don’t think he even knew that he said it once. There are hundreds of words or phrases that people use in this way – but normally they don’t use it that often, or to be honest if they do their not presenting very often. In many religious congregations they call each other brother or sister. This is because we are all part of the family of God. The other night I was asked to give a talk to the male member of our stake – which is a group of wards or congregation. I guess I was a little distracted or was looking for what to say next - as three times during my talk I said “brothers and sisters.” Now this is s phrase I use quite often when there is actually men and woman in the audience. The next speaker trying to bring a little humor into the meeting stood up and said I still can’t see those sisters. Everyone had a laugh at my expense – well except me, I didn’t know what he was talking about.

Begging -

When I was a kid my dad hated it when the dog whined under the table until someone give him some food. “ He has his own food.” Then he would say something like there are a bunch of studies proving that his food is better for him than what we were eating. If that’s the case why are we eating this crap? More than once I have been to New York City for a seminar or training, they told us not to give money to the panhandlers or beggars. Someone told us that many of them make six digit incomes and don’t even pay taxes. Of course they don’t look like that is true – I guess if they did it wouldn’t be good for business. I don’t know if it is true, but if it is - scoot over bubby – that was more than the company that was training me was willing to pay and they took out taxes. If you look at it honestly we are all beggars – ask my wife, I’m begging all the time. I think that the three most common words used by a husband are (sorry you hopeless romantics, we all know what it should be) - “please” and “I’m sorry.” Now hopefully you say the other three once in a while or you’ll be saying these three all of the time. Usually the “I’m sorry” part is after she has finally gives in and it’s obvious she was right in the first place. Even in the scriptures there are a lot of times people are begging: for forgiveness, assistance, direction and then there’s those that think they know more than God and keep asking for things that really aren’t in their best interest. The children of Israel thought that they shouldn’t go into the promised land – so instead God let them wonder in the wilderness for forty-years. Hello! It’s called the Promised Land – it’s got to be better than the desert! My kids beg all the time, much of what their begging for really isn’t as important as they think it is. Being a good parent, sometimes you just need to let them try it out and learn for themselves. People beg for attention, acceptance, what ever they think is important or they need. A comedian begs for a laugh and will slam half the audience to make the rest of them laugh – then he’ll turn the tables and poke fun of the others. The ultimate act of begging is when your looking for a job, now most of you wouldn’t think of it as begging because you are giving something in return – but it feels like begging. Sadly it’s also a time that you hear those three words again, the “please” part most likely isn’t being said out load, but it’s something your saying inside. If there are tons of applicants than the “I’m sorry” is heard a lot. If you’re lucky you may even hear the other three words. I applied for a part-time gig that financial wouldn’t even be worth my time. It seems like I’m begging for attention or for a possibility to make a fool out of myself. The greatest part is that I don’t even know if there is an opportunity. It’s one of those things that if you have any brains at all you’ll be better off if you hear “I’m sorry” this just doesn’t work for us. That’s OK I’m use to saying I’m sorry all the time – I guess it’s about time someone said it too me.

She was just trying to help - published HJ 7/4/2010

One of the biggest challenges facing a parent is to help their children take responsibility or ownership of whatever they are involved in. This could include a team, organization, society and especially their family I’m not the greatest teacher when it come a selfless work ethic around the house. According to my brother, who hired my son to help him with his development business, my son didn’t even know how to properly use a shovel or rake. I guess I should have had him dig up the front lawn a couple of times to get the hang of it. Instead I let my brother pay him to learn under his tutelage.

The best way to say it is that our children are spoiled brats – they didn’t learn some of the normal family duties because we just did it for them. We know some parents that require their kids to do their own laundry, this just seems like a way to wreck your clothes so you would have to buy some new ones. Our teenage daughter thinks that if you happen to be starting the car – you might as well go to the mall to get a new outfit. Once in a blue moon the kids do something around the house, usually it’s after being asked a couple thousand times and finally it’s followed up with a threat or ultimatum. Once or twice in the last couple of decades they’ve done something without being asked – I’m sure this is to see if my heart is working properly and may be the number one cause of heart attacks in middle age fathers. The other day such an event took place – our daughter decided to do a little work in the yard. As I have stated this isn’t a common occurrence. Now before I give her too much credit, it was the first sunny day in more that three weeks and the way she was dressed anyone could see that getting a tan was on the top of her priority list. I’m not the greatest gardener in the world, as a matter of fact if it was a contest I would take last in the neighborhood.

When looking for an opportunity to help out the choices are abundant – and the one with the most unobstructed sun was the obvious winner. Lori and I had been up to the church and were gone for this hour of selective weeding. You can imagine our surprise when we rounded the corner and saw her actually working. Despite my own lack of labor in the yard I did notice that she was sitting in one of the only location I thought there wasn’t any weeds in the first place. There was a large pile of vegetation next to her on the lawn – that’s when my excitement became my grim reality. She had just spent the last hour pulling out all of our strawberry plants. She didn’t know that we had any strawberry plant – they hadn’t been there long enough to bear any fruit. This was going to be the year – not anymore. I guess they looked like weeds to her. I couldn’t really get mad at her since she was just trying to help out. I spent the next hour trying to replant strawberry with some sort of tender loving care. So that day we spent more than two hours in the yard and were farther behind than when we started.

The only other thing I said to her is that this is going to make a great story and I can feel a church talk coming on. I think there are a lot of times in life that those with more knowledge or experience look at those of us in the learning process and know that what is happening is going to take far longer to correct that the actions that caused the problem. Maybe I should consider building an atrium next to her bedroom room so that she can get a tan while she cleans her room. At least then nothing would die.

Blue Benches

Everyone has heard the phrase that it’s as obvious as the nose on your face. Even the most alerts individual can miss something right in front of them once in a while. I have a hard time growing any kind of hair – it just doesn’t happen. Of all the factual hair that a person can do the one that in my option looks the stupidest is the soul patch, that little section below the lower lip. Wouldn’t you know it this is the only place my future son-in-law had hair on his face? Now that isn’t a reason to tell him he can’t marry your daughter – as a matter of fact it shouldn’t be a big deal at all. Despite that I still mentioned one day that it would be nice for the wedding if it were gone so we wouldn’t have to have it in the pictures. I know it’s not my place but that hasn’t stopped me before. Now it wasn’t something I was dwelling on thus the reason that half way through the day’s activities they had to point out to me that he had shaved it off for the wedding – I never even noticed. I’ve missed my wife’s new hair dew a new decoration and much more. There are also a lot of things that change all around us that we notice and love to watch the progress. We were one of the first to build in our sub-division so when other homes were being built it was common for many of us to walk through and see what it was going to look like. When they started to build a new church a block away it became kind of gathers spot a couple times a week to see what had taken place. I remember after the floor was poured it look different to me because it sloped where the chapel was supposed to be. We later fond out that this made it so the back row was higher then the front row – not steep enough to be considered stadium seating but it really looks nice. Near the end of the construction a friend and I were going by and noticed a large truck in the parking lot so we decided to take a peak. As we walked into the chapel it was beautiful. The walls were completed the carpet was laid and there were about twelve men putting in the pews or benches. The walls were a rose color the carpet was green and the benches were blue – blue, why would the benches be blue? At this time about a third of the benches were in place. I walked up to one of the workers and asked – why are the benches blue when the carpet is green? He looked at me kind of confused – he had the look of what are you talking about and who are you. He then turned around and walked up to another worker and said this guy wants to know why the benches are blue, now I’m no interior designer - but they just didn’t look right. They then went to who ever was the supervisor and next thing you know they stopped the work and he made a phone call. Apparently there was another church being built not every far away and their blue bencher and the green ones for this building were sent to the wrong location. I’ve wondered since how could twelve men working that close not notice that they were a different color? Now a woman would say because they were all men. Others may say they just took them out of the truck and knew it was their job to but them in – it’ someone else’s job to make sure their the right benches. I’m sure they weren’t happy to have to take them out and find the right ones – but at least I walked in before they got them all in. Oh well - there are a lot of times I don’t notice what other people think was so obvious.

GA Interviews –

When something means a lot to you - those associated with that thing or situation become your ideals, examples or mentors. My religious beliefs are extremely important in my life and someday I hope to meet my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ – hopefully at that time I will have clean hands and a pure heart. Those chosen to lead the Church of Jesus Christ are called by God and assume that leadership not of their own designs but by revelation through inspired leaders. At the upper levels of church leadership these men are called general authorities. Occasionally members of the church have the opportunity or responsibility to interview with these great men on a one-to-one basis. This is an opportunity or displeasure depends on the circumstances that surround that interview.

I remember as a young missionary, I was in the second English-speaking group to spend the first month of my mission at the Mission Training Center in Provo Utah. There we learned the discussions and scriptures that would be needed in order to become a successful missionary. At the time it was a new program and there were many times we didn’t have anything scheduled, especially in the evenings. On one such occasion six of us decided to go outside and sit on the lawn looking up at the stars and talk about home. We were having a wonderful conversation that took a couple of twists and turns. We then started to discuss the interview process needed to be able to go on a mission. One of those involved stated that he had an interview with a curtain Elder. Elder is a title of respect used to distinguish the general authorities from other positions in the Church. Another missionary proceeded to talk about the Elder he met, then a third told a similar story. I remember being disappointed that I hadn’t had the opportunity to be interviewed by a general authority. I remember saying “ that’s not fair, I never got a chance to meet with a general authority.” There was a moment of silence and one of the missionaries said, “Paul it wasn’t a good thing, it was to see if they would let us go on a mission in the first place,” I learned that because of my faithfulness I didn’t have to meet with one of these great men.

No worries, since that time I have had four opportunities to be interviewed by general authorities, each time in a more positive setting then that experienced by my fellow missionaries. Each of these times has been in the process of picking a new stake president. The first time was in February of 1997. I was serving as Bishop and had been in that capacity for a little over a year. Elder Tingey one of the seven Presidents of the Seventies conducted the interview. I was one of the last individuals interviewed and both of us knew I wasn’t going to be the next Stake President. He talked to me about my family and the ward I presided over, he asked what problems we were facing and if our members were in debt. He gave me some advice that was very useful, it was a wonderful experience – kind of like what I had first envisioned happened to the missionaries I talked to that night in the MTC.

The second interview was given by Elder Bateman also one of the seven Presidents of the Seventies. This time I was serving as the Stake Young Men’s President. During such interviews you ‘re asked to provide three names of individuals that I believed would be able to serve as the next stake president. This time I was once again scheduled to be one of the last interviews. Elder Bateman made a couple of statements that were intended to be compliments. First he said that I looked like a Young Men’s President. Then he said “we have talked about you a lot today.” This meant that a number of stake members had presented my name for consideration. He said that many nice things had been said about my service and abilities. This was a great compliment that I hope I deserved and will continue to be true in the years to come. He then asked about the youth of our stake and the challenges they are facing. There was no doubt that he had a great concern for their welfare. Later that day Lori and I were invited back to meet with Elder Bateman again as I was called to be the 2^nd Counselor in the Mt. Logan Stake Presidency with President Bryan R Larsen as the president - he already happened to be one of those hero’s I mentioned at the first of this story.

The third time was with Elder C Scott Grow of the First Quorum of the Seventies. This time was a little different as it was the reorganization of a University Stake and none of the people interviewed lived in boundaries of the stake involved. We were all old farts, all the members of the stake are from the ages of eighteen to thirty. In each of these interviews there are two individuals involved - the General Authority is in charge and his assistant is a member of the area leadership - called Area Seventies. Both of them usually make comments and ask questions. Elder Fluhman the Area Seventy accompanying Elder Grow made the comment I have a great smile. He said, "I bet as a missionary people would listen to the gospel just because of that smile." I answered that I remember it being a little harder than that, at which time they laughed and we had a great conversation. Elder Grow thanked me and said I have a wonderful spirit and he could tell I had a strong testimony of the gospel.

The Fourth interview took place just a couple of weeks after the third. It too was for a young adult University Stake. They told us they were using the same list of individuals interviewed by Elder Fluhman and Elder Grow. The General Authority was Elder Baxter of the First Quorum of the Seventies. He was accompanied by Elder Cherrington an Area Seventy. The first thing Elder Baxter said is "I see you dodged a bullet a couple of weeks ago." I had no idea what that meant, except I wasn't called and we'll see what happens his time. The interview took a little longer than was scheduled and they asked a lot about my family and work situation. There was never any disappointment that I wasn't called as a Stake President. This interview was as pleasant as all the others and I view them as a tender moment that my Heaven Father allowed me to associate with these spiritual giants.

The common thread in all these experiences is the spirit surrounding the circumstances. These are men of God that under the power of the Savior receive revelation to make these calls. These interviews are an opportunity for them to find out whom the Lord wants to lead these stakes at that time. I walked away each time with a stronger testimony of the power of the priesthood and the process involved in calling priesthood leaders. And I would much rather meet under these circumstances than did my missionary companions so many year before.

2nd Cousin –

In my case everyone could pick my brothers out of a lineup – at least if you knew me and then saw them. But something that very few people knows is that I have six sisters. People don’t know that they’re my sisters for a couple of reasons. First, they have hair – this is defiantly a positive in their eyes. Another reason is that we have different last names – at least they do now. They all got married before it became cool to put a hyphen between the old and new last names. Since our parents have died I don’t know if any of them would even hyphenate now because people would know that they are related to me.

I guess I had a few cousins growing up – but not very many and especially not my age. None of them had the same last name either. Now you can understand why I was so excited to learn that my second cousin was moving in across the street. Now I had never met him or any of his family for that matter. As I understand second cousins are ¼ of the same bloodline as you are. Not a whole lot but at least he was a blood relative, a boy and only one year younger. This is kind of like finding out that you’re getting a little brother that’s twelve years old – a mini me per say.

I loved sports and spend just about every waking moment either participating of thinking about playing sports. I wasn’t that great of a student and hated to study. Physically I was larger than most kids my age and scared some people because I was large, athletic and loud. You normally knew when I was around. It helped and/or hurt my reputation because my I hung out with the toughest kid in the world.

Well you can understand my disappointment when Harald moved in. First of all Harald isn’t a tough guy name and especially when he is wearing a calculator on his belt and has a pencil guard in his shirt front pocket. He hadn’t played any sports, unless you count playing the organ and cello sports. Now this was the 70’s – the beginning of the computer revolution. The word genius could have been appropriate but we didn’t know what he was talking about. Luckily I hadn’t told many people he was moving in so I didn’t have to explain the only ¼ blood thing. The in common thing must have been the part each of us has missed out on. Oh he was a nice kid but we weren’t going to be spending a lot of time together.

I remember when he showed up for school – he seemed not to know you could leave your books in your locker since he carried everything he owned around in his arms as he bounced down he hall. That first day we were walking down the hall a little ways behind Harald. As I pointed him out to the toughest guy in the world, all the sudden a couple of guys started to give him the business and tried to knock things out of his arms. As Harald collected himself and rounded the corner, we happened to reach the two that were giving him a hard time. Now remember we were about a foot taller than just about anyone else and these two were the ones that started picking on someone weaker than they were. It just became our opportunity to show them what their medicine tasted like.

We grabbed one each and pinned them up against a locker and explained that Harald was our friend and that if they mess with one of our friends they mess with us. I think we could have also asked them to sing a couple of songs and do a dance and we wouldn’t have heard any complaints. Word got around pretty quite not to mess with Harald or the two loudest and biggest kids at school would want to talk to you. He was still a little different so I’m sure on occasion he had to put up with a little grief, I’m also sure he called me a couple of things on occasion but I probably didn’t understand them. Today I would still call him a friend. He ended up in silicone valley and the rumor is he could buy his own island if he wanted too. Now I know I’m glad to be ¼ the same bloodline, but I still think he never knew about what happened the first day of school.

0 or 100, what does that tell ya? –

One of the commandments given by the Lord to his followers is to watch over the church. Home Teaching is a program designed to do just that. In my patriarchal blessing the Lord told me I would be known for my faithfulness and devotion and the opportunity to serve will come naturally to me. I consider this to be a great compliment, thankfully most of my life I have lived up to that declaration and observation. I have my weaknesses and areas I need to improve, just ask my family. Those that see you the most are also those that know your shortcoming. In my religious responsibilities home teaching is probably one of my weakest areas. I don’t know why I have such a hard time, because when you go its very enjoyable and really beneficial to everyone involved. Every month after going home teaching you need to report your faithfulness. But your also suppose to report if the families you have responsibility over are doing OK and if they need any assistance in their lives. These report are then passed on to other leaders to make sure the needs of the members are met. Now it should be everyone’s desire to always have a hundred percent participation, but it really doesn’t happen that often. Because this is a religious assignment you would never think that anyone would lie or fudge the number to look better. I don’t encourage that behavior, but in extreme conditions it might be in your best interest. Now before you get discussed or think I’m evil let me explain. One week during my bachelor years, a friend of mine asked me to go visit another singles ward with him. Now this is more common than it should be – it’s a good way to see which ward has the hottest girls. During priesthood meeting the Elders Quorum President gave the monthly report – the previous month they had zero percent home teaching. Really, zero percent? It took me so much by surprise that I started to laugh – that didn’t go over that great. Think about that for a second, zero percent meant that the President that tried to encourage the brethren to do better didn’t even do his. Why should I feel a need to go if my leaders don’t think it’s important enough to do theirs? Now I think he should have just done his – then there wouldn’t have been a problem. If he had said that we had five percent all of the others would have thought – we better do ours the President is the only one doing it. Years later I had the opportunity to be an Elders President and I learned how hard it was to keep everyone motivated to do their duty. We lived in a ward that was great at home teaching and you could tell as the majority of the members were actively engaged. Our percentage was normally always over eighty percent. There began too be a friendly competition with the High Priest group. Being during the Christmas season the Bishop encouraged us the to have one hundred percent for the month of December. I was proud of my group, as ninety–five percent of the elders had reported having done their visits. I don’t know if the high priest group leader just wanted to beat us or if in reality the members had reported that it was all done but in the meeting where the numbers are reported after my ninety-five percent report he declared with pride they had one hundred percent. I think it was the first month they had out done our number. His glory didn’t last long as two people in the room turn and almost in unison stated ‘\”no one came to our house.” Now if he had said ninety-eight percent those two people would have said I was the only one in the ward not visited. Maybe the moral of these stories is to never report zero or a hundred percent. If you have zero and your not faithful you might as well lie to save face – now I don’t believe that just make sure if your in charge -do your home teaching. If your group reports one hundred understand most likely someone lied.

Scoutmaster -

I’m not a scouter but I’m a man that believes in scouting. Who wouldn’t believe in a program that gets young men to do something besides watching TV or play video games? Don’t get me wrong as an old fart I watch plenty of TV, I would play video games too if I didn’t lose so bad no mater which one of my kids I playing against.

Scouting teaches a lot of other qualities: service, honesty, trust, teamwork the list goes on and on. There are a lot of things that a scoutmaster does, herding and motivating kids is the one that takes the longest. The troop I had was made up of twelve and thirteen year olds, there was about twelve of them. Of course they are changing all the time, which makes it hard to get everyone working on the same thing. This is the perfect time to influence young inquisitive minds – but you better hurry because before long they will be teaching you things you’ve never thought of. Just get over the fact that they already know more about technology than I will ever learn.

As a scoutmaster the first merit badge I always made the kids gets was first aid – the reasons should be obvious. The most important tool you need as a scoutmaster is at least one good assistant scoutmaster. Not only can they watch your back but also when you’re about to lose it they can take charge. My assistant just happened to be a police officer – perfect. Besides their Mom’s making them - the scouts are there for two reasons: 1^st to be entertained and 2^nd to be fed. These usually come in that order. Because some of the kid have different interests it’s hard to keep them all entertained, but they’ll stick through it if they know there’s food at the end. I use to tell the parents that a kid will advance to the rank of life by accident if they just show up - but if they want to get their Eagle they will have to work for it. Most of our scout got their Eagle, but all of them got their Life if they were there long enough. It’s not hard to motivate kids to do many of the merit badges: woodcarving, basket weaving, fingerprinting – that’s a great one if your assistant is a cop. I think he kept copies for future references. The jury is still out but there’s usually one kid that it would be a good idea to have his on file. I know I was that kid in scouts long ago. When you figure out which kid that might be, it’s also a good idea to try to get his father as an assistant as well. This isn’t always easy since the reason they’re sending him to scout is so they can have a break.

Trying to keep the kids on task is one of your greatest challenges; I think my boss would say the same thing once in a while. A scoutmaster is a CEO, manager, salesman, game warden as well as a cook. Many times the kids are the ones that are cooking thats how they get the merit badge. But after a couple of days of the threat of cancer, it becomes obvious that you need to take over.

It takes a certain kind of person to be a good a scoutmaster, just like it takes a curtain kind of woman to have ten kids. It helps if you’re basically insane. Like being a parent most of the time you receive very little thanks or recognition, like a parent the kids don’t always do what they’re told or what is best for him or the troop. But like a parent there is no better feeling that when one or all of the kids do something they didn’t think that they could and are happy about it.

The greatest time for me to be a scoutmaster is at the end of the day sitting around a campfire. This is when we talk about what happen and what needs to take place the next morning – but then we share jokes, stories and just have a lot of fun together. Our troop was church sponsored and we always ended up with a story from the scriptures: the mountains full of horses and chariots of fire to protect the prophet, David killing his Goliath, stripling worriers defending truth and right. It was great to see the excitement in their eyes as the stories unfold before them. Then of course we always had a treat.

Where did that come from?-

I don’t understand genetics – apparently there is this little twisty ladder of information that dictates who we are and what we look like. It’s called our DNA – I have no idea what it stands for. I’m sure I did as a teenager in some science class, but you know everything at that age. There must be something to this stuff since my brothers and I look so much a like that people mistaken us for each other all the time. The problem with that is I’m the youngest, what’s with everyone thinking I’m so old?

I’ve mentioned this in another story but I tell people if I act like I don’t know who they are they need to just whack me across the side of the head – either I deserve it or it will make a good story when I see my brothers. Not only do we get our DNA from our ancestors but also apparently we learn certain behavior from those that rock our cradles. This fact is good and bad – and too many people use it as an excuse for being idiots. No it’s not your parents fault you robbed that bank – but parents and those we associate with influence the way we think about certain things. In the end each of us are responsible for our own choices that makes up our lives. But no matter how hard we try other things are what they are. My father had Alzheimer’s for about seven years before he pasted away. Most scientist say that the major cause is genetics – but there are a few things that help it’s timing. Mom died of a heart attract at the age of eighty – her father died of a heart attract at the age of fifty-seven. The fact that he chose to smoke most of his life made his condition worse than hers. I’ve been told I got my hairline from him, or at least the lack of it. Mom had breast cancer, Dad had prostate cancer – which I mixed up with colon cancer while talking to my doctor and next thing you know I was having a colonoscopy. It must be hereditary other wise why do my brothers even sound a like?

Lori must sound real young; she can’t even number the amount of times someone has asked her on the phone if her dad was home. She started says that he doesn’t live here. People must be thinking I moved out or finally she got rid of the loser. The worse is when you think a woman is the man of the house – ouch! It’s Ok to be mistaken for one of your kids – but not a member of the opposite sex. Now as this all comes to be hopefully you like your parents because after while that’s who you become. I wish we could choose which one we looked or acted like. My dad had tons of dark hair and olive colored skin. Dad was reserved, intelligent and humble. Mom was fair skinned, outgoing and had a great sense of humor. But it doesn’t work that way – we can’t choose our features. Well there may be a couple of plastic sergeant that might disagree. Our niece just got married and her husband gave himself hair plugs as a present. Now when it comes to our kids it’s kind of funny they got all of their negative qualities from my side of the family and the good one from Lori’s side. At least now of my girls have gone bald yet.

First Fiction -

The purpose of my stories and the blog has never been to get famous or to win the Pulsar Prize. It was in an attempt to write my personal history and have a little fun. A month ago I was searching the web and ran across a short story contest from Reader Digest called “Your Story” that they do on a monthly basis. That month’s topic was “First Date.” Now I hadn’t written that one yet so I gave it a try. On the Blog it is called “Super Bowl Bet.” Now because I’m a normal man I didn’t read the instructions and didn’t know there was a prompt – which the story needed to follow. Oh well – there’s no way I could have won the contest if it isn’t about what they want it to be about. The next month I went back to the web page to see what the next promt or topic was to be and it said:

Your Story #24: Child's Birthday Party

Parents look on in horror as a magician's trick goes horribly awry during a child's birthday party.

Now nothing like this has ever happened to our family. First of all I wouldn’t have paid the money to hire a magician and why would we invite other parents. So just for fun I decided to create first fictional masterpiece. It turned out all right but it isn’t a master piece and I think I will stick to non-fiction and the purposes of the hobby in the first place.

Because I wrote it and I have a Blog (that no one reads anyway) I might as well post it. So here it is.

I don’t know what they were thinking in the first place. I haven’t seen a bunch of four-year-olds scatter that fast my whole life, not to mention the screaming of terror that accompanied the tears welling up in their eyes. Who started this one-up-man-ship fiasco in the first place? At least their parents were all there and now they get to take them to counseling! The problem is that the parents need it way more than the kids and apparently should have had it years ago.

Yes - all of the kids attend the same Bright Beginnings Preschool in this yuppie infested suburbanian neighborhood. The “who owns the best car and yard contest” has now oozed over into the “see what we are willing to do for our kid’s birthday sweepstakes.” Pony rides, petting zoos, clown parades and the dad’s unquenchable desire to participate has turned these parties into a testosterone summer fest. Why else were the parents invited in the first place? The question should be what ever happened to pin the tail on the donkey or duck duck goose?

The fact that it was Chloe’s birthday seemed to be the least important event of the day. It was pretty cool to see the new dove in the cage by the front door. And it looked like there was enough cake for the whole neighborhood. The stack of presents looks like Santa just made his final stop. This is just for one kid? This one-up-man–ship apparently includes who brings the greatest name brand offering as well.

Now it’s time for the entertainment - a magic show! To show their supremacy they didn't hire anyone, they're doing it themselves. When Chloe’s mom came out in that “assistant’s outfit” – she looked like a billboard for Dr. Bimboo’s cosmetic polar. Maybe this was the coming out party for her new trophies. Chloe’s dad’s new found hobby of diverting ones attention didn’t seem all that difficult, considering the magical transformation of domestic housewife into the Las Vegas showgirl. They should have spent more time trying to learn the proper way to do the tricks in the first place.

Everything seemed to go all right on the first couple of tricks – at least in the kid’s eyes, I don’t think the parents can tell you what they were, I know the dad’s can’t. What are Jake’s parents going to do next month to top this one? Well they didn’t have to worry about it long – since a trip to the mortuary would have come off better.

Now I know you’re not suppose to tell a magicians secrets, but while preparing he was shoving the dove up his sleeve, that cracking sound ended up not being his knuckles. He didn’t seem to notice that there wasn’t any movement during the show. I’m sure that’s because he was nervous, trying to become the next David Copperfield. So when it was time for the dove to appear and be thrown up in the air and fly into the rafters – there was just a white lump of feathers that was tossed into the middle of the kids. What made it worse was the sharp right angle it’s head was tilted as it thumped on the ground.

It took a couple of seconds before they released what it was – well that’s when the screaming started. The parents looked on in horror as the assistant ran over to pick up the corpse, she didn’t have anyplace to hide it as she ran out of the room. Depending on how your keeping score there is no doubt that this party will be remembered for years to come.

Stake Meeting Humor-

I really hope that God has a great sense of humor if not I’m in real trouble. There are commandments, principles and ordinances that don’t change. Then there’s policy, procedure and just different styles of administration, which seem to change with whom ever is in charge. The problem or blessing is that in the same council or organization there may be different opinions on what should or shouldn’t be done.

Stake council is a meeting that takes place once a quarter it is attended by the stake presidency, high council and the presidents of each stake auxiliary. Our stake Relief Society President is a wonderful woman, but just like everyone else she has her opinions. There’s a time during the meeting that those attending can bring up what ever they feel is important to be discussed by the group. She felt strongly that to many people were bringing treats to church and that the kids are more concern with the treat than what is being taught in the lesson. She believed that this practice is causing a financial strain on some members – this started a conversation, after it was done the Stake Presidency excused the auxiliary presidents so the next meeting could start. Now it didn’t happen very often but someone had brought a couple of boxes of Ding Dongs and gave them to the stake president.

At the start of the next meeting the stake president handed out the treats with a chuckle. Now if something can go wrong chances are that it will – this wonderful sister got to her car and realized that she had left her purse with her keys in it under her chair during the first meeting. She returned to the room opened the door and found fifteen men unwrapping and eating the Ding Dongs. You should have seen the faces of everyone involved, like a kid being caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

One of the purposes of high council meetings is for names to be presented for approval to be called to stake and ward positions. A few months before the event in question there was a sister that had unexpectedly passed away in one of the wards. After a short period of time the brother remarried. The Bishop of that ward wanted the new sister to be called to a stake position having to do with name extraction, genealogy work and redeeming our kindred dead.

The high councilman that is assigned to the ward involved presents of names. The assigned high councilman didn’t know the sister personally so he looked at the ward directory and submitted the sister for approval. There were a couple of individuals in the room that were from this ward and had a slight concern that the name submitted was for the deceased sister. One of our quick witted high councilman pointed out that she would be great at the job because she is already on the other side and could get the answers needed to finish the work. For the next couple of months whenever this high councilman presented a name for approval it became tradition that he was asked if they were living or deceased before a vote would be taken.

As important as these responsibilities are we also need to find humor and joy in the service that we render. Then when it’s not essential to our salvation we need to remain open minded and not take ourselves to seriously.

Motorcycle mishap -

I’m no Don Juan or ladies man by any stretch of the imagination – as a matter of fact I was just the opposite. No I’m not that ugly and I think I have a great personality. I usually impressed little children and old ladies. On more than one occasion we would go to a girls house with a number of friends, then after we left the mother would tell the girl we visited that she really thought I was great – but the girl always liked one of my friends. This would eventually get back to me from the lucky friend, as it were told by their new girl friend. I never could figure out what benefit this information was to me – that an lady old enough to be my mother thought I was great - but the cute young ones just wanted to be friends.

For this reason and the fact I was shy and had no nerve to ask them out, I've only had one girl friend my whole life – now after twenty-five years of marriage she still hasn’t left me. Most people didn’t think I was shy, I defiantly wasn’t quite. Usually when I get nervous I talked too much (read Super Bowl Bet). I did go on a few dates but not that many. Besides my wife there was only one girl that I took out more than a couple of times. I was still scared of her but for some reason not as much as others. Despite this I never tried to take it to the next level.

The reason it probably never went there was that the times we went out it really didn’t work out that great. Don’t get me wrong, I think we both had a lot of fun but everything else seemed not to work out. There were plenty of signs, it just takes me a little bit to catch on. One time it was her idea for us to take her father’s new pick-up for a drive. Well we ended up in a canyon and the trees got a little too close and scratched it. I got the impression later that it didn’t go over too well – how could it, this loser just scratched her dad’s new truck.

Once we went golfing, not a good idea when the girl is better than you are. As we were walking to the green we saw a few of our other friend on a different fairway. I ran up to get my ball and from out of nowhere this huge dog ran into the back of my legs and knocked me over. This is kind of embarrassing when your trying to impress a young lady – not to mention the other guys that got a kick out of that one.

Once we decided to go on a walk to see where her family was building a new house and while we were walking past one of my friend’s house I noticed that his light was on in his basement window. I knew he was on a date with one of my date’s best friends and I wanted to see if they wanted to go for a walk with us. I convinced her to walk up and see if they were in his room. Well they were, but they were making out on the waterbed. This isn’t a good thing to see when I didn’t even dare hold her hand. I think the next day he got blinds.

Now we didn’t date that much so all of this happened over a short period of time. The worse story took place after I had graduated from high school and I took her to one of my softball games. This is an activity I did quite often with my wife – it’s a cheap date and you get to act all macho on the field while all of the girls sit together comparing recipes or something. It was a little cool that night so she decided to bring a quilt and a jacket, the quilt was made by her grandmother and was a beautiful family heirloom – I had decided to ride my motorcycle as part of the date. I don’t remember if we won or lost - which doesn’t really matter but after the game we decided to go out for a treat. We were riding down fourth north, which happen to be one of the busiest streets in town and has a speed limit of forty miles and hour. Back in those days no one ever wore helmets or even really thought about it. It was starting to get late and the sun was setting because I remember vividly that all of the sudden my bike froze up the front light went off as the engine killed and the back wheel stopped. Now at forty if your back wheel stops the bike needs to stop as well, so we skidded for about twenty to thirty feet before we stopped. This is one of the two times in my life that I realized after that I was lucky that we hadn’t been drastically injured. The way the bike swerved and skidded to a stop we was lucky that we didn’t crash. After we came to a stop I asked her if she was Ok - thankfully she was, then I said I didn’t know what had gone wrong. She responded that she did and that her grandmother’s pieced quilt had been ripped from her hands.

After getting off the bike we could see the quilt wrapped in the greasy chain, my heart sank. It was stuck so tight that we had to use a pocketknife to cut it out. I sure her parents said - now this is the same kid that scratched our truck? We both still live in the same city and run into each other quite often. She married a great guy that happened to be one of my friends – not the one on the waterbed. I’m sure he hasn’t scratched his father-in-laws truck of destroyed many of their quilts – I already took care of that. He was one of the ones at the golf course that saw the dog take me down; after all of these things I’m sure he wasn’t that worried about the competition.

Parking in Paris -

As a kid when some one said they had been parking it usually involved a member of the opposite sex and the windows got foggy – or at least that’s what I’ve been told. Then parking in Paris - the City of Lights, Love and Romance what else could you ask for? Well, first I could ask that it had been Paris France not Paris Idaho, then maybe I could have had someone with me and not been alone.

Once in a while at work, I have to travel to a couple of the outlining areas. It usually takes an hour and a half to get there. At which time I'd meet clients at the local bank branch, occasionally I need to go to their businesses or homes. Every once in a while I do “the loop” – this includes a couple of branches in the same day, this takes about four or five hours to driving time. When your scheduling appointments along the way you have to estimate when you’re going to be at different locations. Because it’s an estimate you can be behind or ahead of schedule most of the time.

Most of these treks start at about six in the morning, so when there’s a gap and I have less distance than time I love to relax or try to take a short snooze somewhere along the way. On this occasion that’s when Paris Idaho comes in play. I was about thirty minutes ahead of schedule and my next appointment was at the local school district building, which also happens to be the elementary school. Across the street is a beautiful church building build by Mormon pioneers, called a tabernacle. It was designed by an old ship builder so the roof is kind of like a ship turned upside down.

On the side of the tabernacle just across the street from the schools playground is a parking strip that became the perfect location for my coveted power nap. So I reclined the seat, closed my eyes, hoping to dream about something other than work. I was somewhat successful but I wish those buses would stop driving by. I wonder how long I’d been here? I can’t be late for the appointment. That sounds like a car behind me. Wake up - what’s that? Are those flashing lights?

Well I hadn't been going to fast, since the engine was off and I’m not parking illegally, technicality I’m in a private parking lot. Yes - officer what can I do for you? Well after showing him my license, registration, business card and explaining why I was there – I guess I convinced him who I was and what I was trying to accomplish. The final bit of information he required was the name of the person I was going to meet with next.

After collecting my thoughts and slowing down my heart, it was off to my appointment – as I relayed my encounter to my next appointment I learned the rest of the story. Apparently the district had a training session to help protect the school kids from predators. They watched a video to learn some of the things to look for – unknown vehicle, out of state plates; suspicious acting old fart stocking the playground. It looks like all of the bus drivers were paying attention. At least they radioed in to the district office reporting their concerns. The person taking all of those calls, also having been trained, knew what needed to be done – call the cops.

Well I really can’t blame them for doing what they were trained to do – even if the one calling the cops also happened to be my next appointment – no wonder the cop chuckled when I told him whom I was on the way to visit.

Birthday Lunches --

I don’t remember when it started, I’m sure it was my wife’s idea. But when each of our elementary school kids had a birthday I would take them out of school and go to lunch. This was one of their favorite things, not only did they get to chose whatever kind of food they wanted but they also got to miss a little school. When they went into the sixth grade and entered middle school it became a little harder so that’s when it ended. That was Ok since I always had another child to take their place.

Where we ate was their idea – and after a few suggestions they would make the final decision. This was a pretty safe assignment since they always chose between a couple of alternatives. Usually it boiled down to only two different places – a Chinese restaurant or a local pizza joint. They both have a luncheon special that included more food then they would want to eat, which made it so I got a little extra. This all changed last month when our youngest daughter had her eleventh birthday. Next year she is going to middle school and I’m going to have to go to lunch by myself. So this was going to be my last hurrah – like had happened many times before she chose the pizza place.

Now that she’s a little older she figured out you could skip the salad and get two pieces of garlic bread instead. No extra food for me, oh well it’s not like I needed it. This place has become a birthday favorite; I’ve gone there with all of the kids at least once. But this time something happened that had never happened before. As we were finishing up our dinner an elderly couple approached us, the man addressed my daughter and said “ Isn’t it great that your grandfather is taking you out to lunch.” She turned and looked at me with that look – what am I supposed to say? I said, “Yes it’s her birthday.” After they left I explained that there was no reason to make them feel bad – even if they already made me feel bad. Like I’ve said in a number of my stories, I look a little older than I am. Now if I look ten years older than I am and our oldest child is twenty-five. I guess it’s completely possible that I could have an eleven-year-old grandchild. I’ve had things like this happen so many times that it really doesn’t bother me.

It did get me to start thinking a bit; maybe if I live old enough I could continue this tradition when I do have grandchildren in school. That would be pretty cool, of course there’s a couple of possible problems. One is that they may not live close enough to do it and even then it’s at least six years away, since I don’t have any grandchildren yet. I guess it boils down to the fact that it’s not only one of our kids favorite thing's - it's one of mine as well.