Blue darts –-

There’s a program on my I-pod called Cool Facts. Some of the information is really cool, other bits of information were just a waist of time. How a slinky was invested, you can lead a cow upstairs but not down. That makes me wonder if a country kid snuck a cow into his two-story schoolhouse how do you get it out – or do you just plan a barbeque? I guess that doesn’t matter because a school now days have to be handicap accessible and not being able to walk downstairs is a handicap. So most likely they would have an elevator.

One fact I saw the other day was that in Japan they had a national contest involving who could fart the loudest and longest. Now this information is cool to a little boy and some immature adults. I know, your hoping I’m not writing a story about this! Sorry – so here we go. Now this would be important to me because this is one area I could have been a national champion. When I was a kid I didn’t know what it was called or why it happened, but I’m lactose intolerant. This is a fancy way of saying dairy products give me gas.

Now its just uncomfortable – well I’m sure it was back then too, but as a kid you hardly ever thought about holding it in. In the right situations it was even a desired ability to produce at a moments notice. At my age now you would say I’m a little more couth – or maybe I just can’t trust the results of such an event. In my case it’s not just dairy products that I have a problem with – I mean there are certain foods that everyone has problems with. One of these is sauerkraut. I love sauerkraut, and the best thing with a krautdog is a glass of milk. Mom made the best homemade sauerkraut I’ve ever had, then added with dairy – I guess my stomach would call it the perfect storm.

I mentioned at certain ages this ability is very desirable, one of these ages is twelve - especially as a boy scout sitting around a campfire. I’m sure most older people have seen the movie “Blazing Saddles” and their famous campfire scene. Now this may be how cowboys do it, but scouts take it to the next level. Having gas is a natural event and in a way could be considered natural gas. In our furnace natural gas gives off a pleasant light blue flame, well the same is true for the other kind of gas as well – thus blue darts got their name.

Now scoutmasters try to tell the scouts about the time a kid received internal burns – I don’t know if that ever happened but I speak from experience and as a witness that the other parts are true. If you sit just right and hold a lit match a short distance from the explosion the natural gas is indeed flammable and blue. Of course it’s something you only want to do at night – otherwise it would be like lighting fireworks in the daytime. As a scoutmaster I tried to stop the kids from participating, which was hard when the assistant scoutmaster grabbed the matches and joined in. The longer and more powerful the excretion - the larger and longer the flame. I’ll admit as a kid the first time I was a little scared and only participated after seeing the other boys do it. I’ve seem this phenomenon a few times as a kid and just about as many times as a scoutmaster. For some reason things like this seem to be passed down for generations.

This isn’t the only time being able to perform at will was a benefit. As teenagers hanging out with the guys it seems to be a opportunity to show you are still a little kid in a big body. One time we were driving around in my friends VW Bug and I got stuck in the back. I asked them to open the windows because it was a little stuffy. One of the guys didn’t want to because he was cold; well I knew how to solve that problem. Of course every time he tried to roll them back up the perfect storm from dinner came to the rescue.

Co-worker -

I’m too old to say someone I work with is like a father to me, but to say he’s more like an older brother would insinuate that he beat the crap out of me on a number of occasions. If I were to say he was an equal it would show my cockiness and self-glorification. Over the years I can honestly say that I have never met anyone with more integrity, honesty and who is genuinely a great guy. Now before he’s translated I need to point out that he is human and occasionally shows up to work ornery and discouraged. How couldn’t you, working in the banking industry the last couple of years? Like myself he has seen his retirement funds down the drain enough to cause permanent depression – at least it has to me. But he always remains positive and upbeat in my misery. As an employee I have never seen anyone be such a jack-of-all-trades. When he leaves we will all freeze or sweat to death, the lawns will die and who will help me shovel the walks? As a banker his job has been to make loans, in doing so he has also educated and changed the lives of thousands of people. Through his tutelage they have learned to budget, save and develop the skills necessary to improve their situations and find peace of mind. The company we work for has a slogan – “we haven’t forgotten who keeps us in business.” His slogan could easily be “he hasn’t forgotten the worth of each individual.” He treats everyone with kindness and respect – even if they don’t deserve it. Enough of the mushy stuff, he does have a couple of things wrong with him – he’s color bind, but still is more color coordinated than I am. He has more hair than I do – but does a little comb over. Despite the fact we’re getting older there are a few of his personality traits that are contagiously youthful. He has a love for cars and has models of some of his favorite in his office, but the one I’m the most jealous of is his relationship with his beautiful wife. They are like teenagers falling in love again for the very first time. Now I’m sure they have their difficulties, but I don’t see how they could be mad at each other long enough to make it worthwhile. He is one of the valued people that I bounce my life off of. He has never, out load, called me an idiot or made me feel like I’m a waste of time. He laughs at my stupid jokes and stories that I make him read. He always sees the silver lining in what ever is going on in my life – when I think it’s all tarnished. At work I feel he’s kind of got a raw deal. Over the past number of years a bunch of yuppie types has gotten into upper management and created a number of fancy titles or positions. These are now the people that need to take care of the most profitable clients, because of his age he has evolved into the position that basically has taken care of everything else, and he does it very well. Because of the economic downturn the bank has asked him if he would like to take an early retirement package. Now if I recall he’s already sixty-two, so I’m sure retirement is something he has thought about before. His package wouldn’t be considered a golden parachute – it’s probably not a parachute at all. But a few months ago his wife retired from her job and now they get to spend all day together, which would be suicide for some people but not for them. Entering a new stage or frontier of life is exciting, but also a little scary. There is no doubt in my mind that he will continue to succeed in what ever he decides to do. He’s not the sit in a rocking chair and watch TV all day type. Indeed he has been a great friend over the years that at times have filled all of the categories I mentioned at the first. I do look up to him as a fatherly influence – a brother, I would do anything for him if he needed it, and he would say an equal because he would never put himself above anyone else in importance. Good luck and God bless you and your family for many years to come.

Lunch man--

We’ve all made mistakes that have been embarrassing to ourselves and to those with whom we love. Sometimes that embarrassment isn’t because we did something wrong, it’s just that we have different opinions of what’s acceptable or brings shame to the family name. I have a trouble fashion sense, I guess you don’t wear a denim shirt with denim pants or wear a denim shirt at all, and socks with sandals – forget it. On more than one occasion I have come home from work and someone will give me that look, “you didn’t really wear that in public did you.”

What’s cool or OK with kids isn’t always cool with parents. Years ago my older brother was working at a local grocery store and called my father to see if he could get a ride home. My Dad said that he was on the way to the dump and would swing by to see if he was ready – if not he would then go to the dump first and come back. Now the family station wagon wasn’t the coolest car in the first place, but when dad pulled in the parking lot with some old pee stained mattresses on the top can you blame my brother for hiding between two cars until dad decided to come back later.

Once another brother got in trouble at the local high school and had to have Mom come in for a conference. Of course he didn’t want anyone to know his mom had to come in, so he convinced her to enter the building through a fire escape instead of the main entrance, and of course if you came in that way that’s the way to go out. The amazing part of the story is that she went for it.

Not only did our parents embarrass us but also now it has passed on to the next generation. Once my wife had to go to the school because of one of our daughters, because she knew she was coming she decided to pick out my wife’s clothes for her so she didn’t look too bad. Luckily there’s a time that the tables turn back and your kids actually think your fun to be with again.

The other night all the younger kids were hanging out with their friends so we called one of our married daughters to see if they wanted to go to dinner with us. They were really excited and we had a great time. Now maybe the reason they were excited was because they knew we would pick up the bill and it had nothing to do with being with us. But since I’m writing the story I will assume the best.

I guess that turning point depends on the kid’s maturity and what you’re doing together, if there’s a free meal you can put up with the old guy in the corner. Ten isn’t that age, the last couple of years my wife has taken a part time job at the elementary school because they needed help during lunch. She really enjoys most of it, especially the kids. Last year there were a couple of days that one of the lunch ladies had to take some time off. Now this wasn’t one of the cooks, this was the one that walked around the room wiping down the tables so the next group of kids would have a clean place to sit. Well they we’re having a hard time finding a substitute so I volunteered.

This was only for an hour or so per day, so I didn’t have to take any time from work it just became my lunch break. I know a lot of the kids at the school and when the new lunch lady was a man and had a tie on - it took a few of them by surprise – especially my ten-year-old daughter. “Oh my gosh are you kidding.” It wasn’t bad enough that I was having the time of my life - but all kinds of kids started to ask her if this was my new job. Of course I didn’t know all the rules as well. At one table of boys – which many of them I knew quite well, I had them laughing and making a bit of noise. As I walked away one of the lunch ladies in the kitchen came out and gave them the business for being so loud.

After she was gone I looked over and told them I was sorry since it was my fault. None of them seemed to have lasting physiological problems from the situation – well except my daughter. Her dad was walking around the room with a dishrag making a total fool out of himself. A couple of weeks later they needed someone again – I was too busy at work to help out – at least that’s what I told them.

Teachers -

All of us have had teachers that have made an impact in our lives. Now that impact isn’t always good. I’ve had teachers that have failed at what they tried to teach me – but in the process taught me valuable lessons. One Sunday school teacher jumped up on his chair and yelled at us, something about going to hell. Now that might be true, but it wasn’t for what we were doing in class. One of the students stood on his chair and told him he was teaching false doctrine. Another Sunday school teacher, after a stirring music practice as a congregation, was failing miserably in class as we were singing the answers to his questions. Instead of getting mad he started to sing the questions. I don’t remember the topic we were discussing but I remember we thought he was pretty cool. Sometimes what you have planned just isn’t going to work, that doesn’t mean you’ve stopped teaching. One teacher that taught me something I wasn’t planning on learning also happened to be my football and baseball coach. He wasn’t that great of a coach, thus the reason he was fired. Now firing the football coach after the end of the season doesn’t eliminate him as a teacher for the rest of the year. He wasn’t to happy about being fired as the coach and it affected the way he taught history. As I mentioned he also was the baseball coach, which he was better at than football. I was in his history class and at the end of the third quarter I asked him what my grade would be. He said I deserved a “D” – that wasn’t true I had done a lot better than that; I had never received a “D” in my life. After a couple of minutes of arguing we came to an agreement. Later that day was the first baseball game of the season and if I hit a homerun I would get an “A” – triple a “B” – double a “C” and if I only got a single I would get the “D.” He never said what would happen if I went hitless, I guess it never really crossed my mind. Our game was against Morgan High School, when we got to the school I instantly noticed a couple of things that were to my advantage: first – there were no fences, this meant a good line drive could go for ever, second – left field was slightly downhill, third – as I watched the pitcher warming up he couldn’t throw a decent curveball. I was a pretty good fastball hitter, but a good curveball got me every time. It didn’t take long for me to fret or feel pressure, as in the first inning I hit a doozey. As it went over the left fielders head I turned on the steam – I was rounding third before he got to the ball. As I headed for home I raised me hands and started to yell, “I get an A, I get an A. There was only one other person that knew what I was talking about. To his credit or fault he gave me the “A.” In hindsight it’s a good story, but not a grade that I deserved or an action that was appropriate for a teacher. Another teacher that did something that would look inappropriate actually had a positive effect. The same year as my baseball experience I had a class that was released time and had no effect on my high school requirements. Because it didn’t really matter what grade I got, I didn’t send time studying, which was quite obvious. During one of our test the teacher walked by and said maybe this will help and put the answer sheet on my desk. It took me by surprise and made me feel a little guilty. After that I actually study for the next few tests. At the end of the year he went around the class and said something about each person, the comments were sincere and positive. He predicted that I would be the one that would change the most in the next few years and talked about some of my qualities that weren’t so obvious. He made an impact on my life. Some of the great teachers see past the present and try to help their student reach their full potential. I had another released time experience where the instructor would always ask me what was going on in my life and joke about what I was doing. He knew I loved sports and would tell me I would only score as many points in basketball as I scored on his quizzes. Because I liked him and his class I started studying to do better on the quizzes. Some classes don’t give the teacher a lot of leeway on how the subject can be taught – but all teachers can show concern and appreciation for those they teach. And it can change their life.

Discipline –-

The world has changed its view of appropriate discipline or punishment so many times that who knows what will be acceptable when my kids are parents. Some states have done away with the death penalty because it is inhumane, despite the fact that most of the time it’s more humane than what the person did in order to qualify.

I’ve been through a couple of these changes that fall in this category. We had a principle in elementary school that had a paddle that looked like the end of ore – and he wasn’t afraid to use it. Occassionally when someone would run in the halls he would make them lean against the wall as if they were sitting on a chair, but the chair wasn’t there. The worse part of that is you were running for a reason, hopefully it wasn’t to the bathroom.

If you had to do it very long it started to hurt. I had a seventh grade social studies teacher that uses to swat our knuckles with a yardstick. Now I’m sure I was doing something wrong – but did I deserve that? More than once I have been grabbed but the nap of the neck or ear to quickly be escorted out of a room or a situation.

These were just in school – at home we had a couple of other rules. My mom would threaten us with a wooden spoon, but she was more bark than bite. Now my father followed through a couple of times on his threats. Disciplining our children isn’t always a positive experience, depending on which child; different things seemed to be effective. But I will admit that for the first two children spanking was an option – until I crossed the line.

This is told in my daughter’s own words – “It sounded like thunder beating on the carpeted floor as I shoved my little body into the smallest crack behind the closet door of the closest room I could run to. I was frantic, not enough time, not enough room, the door is opening, and he sees me - crap. I was a goner.

Well it was bad but not too bad now that it is over, I guess, I thought as I pulled down my pants to look at the red handprint though the leftover tears. It was bad enough that I would get to show mom at least she would make him sorry. I knew how to play the game. Look at what dad did mom! I re-teared for effect. My tiny bum had goose bumps from being exposed and sure enough the handprint wasn’t going anywhere in a hurry. This was not the first time I had been on the losing end of my father’s disciple but it may have been the last. Truth be told, I probably deserved a good spanking every now and again.”

In reality she did – but that is the last time I remember doing it. The later kids are thankful. Each kid is different, my son all I had to do is look at him sternly and he not only would get the message but also start to tear up. One of the younger ones made me want to go back to spanking – the only thing that seems to be effective is taking away her cell phone.

The fact is that no one does what you want them to do all of the time – and sometimes that’s good because we’re wrong ourselves. The older we get and have a little more experience, the more we realize that some of these things don’t matter as much as we think they do. The older kids always complain that the younger one get away with murder compared to what they had to do. It seems that each year our curfews are later, the allowances are larger, and our discipline isn’t as violent.

Maybe its just because I’m just older and slower than I use to be, or maybe I’ve started to pick my battles and not get as mad on the things that really don’t matter. I don’t remember what my daughter did that night, but everything else is crystal clear – especially my wife’s reaction – yeah that little girl knew how to play the game.

Sacred Places -

Many religions have their Mecca, Holy Grail or sacred edifices. Many are physical locations, others areas, places of peace and in other cases it’s a feeling – a state of being. In my case these places or locations are many. My personal belief is the most valuable thing that I have. It is the basis of my life, my relationship with my wife, kids and everyone that I come in contact with. These sacred locations can be because of personal or individual events. I remember going on a walk one evening, confused and discouraged that not only couldn’t I find my eternal companion – but I was having a hard time finding a young lady I wanted to go on a date with twice. In a park not very far from my house I sat on a picnic table to contemplate and pray for direction. I remember saying in my mind – Heavenly Father you know whom I’m compatible with, could you please help me to find her and give me direction. I had one of the strongest manifestations of the spirit, not to worry and it would happen shortly. It was just a few weeks later that I met my wife for the first time. We hadn’t lived close to each other during the previous years – she came to Logan to rent an apartment and that’s when we met. This is an event that is more spiritual than the location in which it took place – but it became a special place to me. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is something that’s very important in my life. There are a few locations that are associated with the history of this great religion. One of these is the Sacred Grove – the location the boy Prophet Joseph Smith went to ask God which church he should join and where the first vision took place. Mormons believe that this is where God the Father and His son Jesus Christ appeared to that fourteen-year-old boy and started the restoration of Christ Church on earth. As a twelve-year-old boy I was given the opportunity to go to that same location. It was an event that I knew for many months before hand would be given to me. I viewed this as an occasion that would allow me the opportunity to ask God if it had in reality taken place. I spent those months reading the scriptures and praying that I would receive that answer upon my visit. The whole trip was more than ten days. When we finally went to the sacred grove we were allow to go off by ourselves – this is when I took the opportunity to ask the question that I had prepared for these many months. Unlike the Prophet Joseph Smith I didn’t see a light or see with my physical eyes heavenly beings like has happened all through the Bible, but I had a spiritual manifestation that was stronger than any I had ever had in my young life. Up to that point I believe I had felt the spirit a number of times – it was something I was familiar with, but not to this extent. There was no doubt in my heart, mind and being that he had answered my prayer. Since that time I have felt the spirit as strong as that day but never stronger. During my teenage years and beyond when I have faced trials and difficulties and questions of faith and dedication, I have been able to draw on this event to straighten my resolve and faith. It has become a building block of my testimony that God lives and Jesus is the Christ – that he in reality does hear and answer my humble prayers. He knows who I am and is willing to be there in my time of need. Over my life I have talked to hundreds of people that don’t know in there heart if there really is a God and that he knows who they are. This has been one of the greatest blessings and experiences in my life.

Rudger –-

I usually don’t write stories about one individual - unless it’s myself or another member of my family. But this kid has to many good ones to leave alone. We are only two months apart in age and lived within a block of each other for almost twenty years, even today it’s less than a mile between our houses. I still consider him a great friend. He was probably the fastest kid our age but really wasn’t that athletic (sorry).

We played just about every sport together in the early years. Most of these stories don’t relate to each other, except they include the same person. We grew up in an area where there were a lot of boys the same age and we did everything together. One day he announced that there were a bunch of cherries in his garage and we could have some if we wanted them. It was right after church and we had on our Sunday best, but for free cherries we weren’t going to go change first. There was one kid with a bright yellow shirt that was pretty good looking; all I ever wore to church was a white shirt. We all took a couple of hands full except this kid as he decided to un-tucked his shirt so he could take more. Apparently our friend didn’t have the authority to give away the family cherries, as his father came out and gave us the business. He walked up to the kid in the yellow shirt and smashed all his cherries – I think he thought we were stealing them and he was going to teach us a lesson. Besides this time he was really a nice guy and it surprised us all, his son was the one that said it was OK.

Another memorable story about the same time was when we were scouts. Now when your twelve years old you really think you know what’s going on but in reality your kind of stupid. One week we were complaining to our scoutmaster that we didn’t want to bring dues every week. Now as I recall it was only ten cents a week – but we didn’t want to give it away. There were a number of kids that accused the assistant scoutmaster of embezzling the funds. Now we all knew this wasn’t true and there wasn’t enough money to make it worth it even if they were inclined to do so.

Now the problem was the assistant scoutmaster worked at the city and there had been accusations made of this nature in the local paper. This is what made the kids think of it in the first place. Like I said, others had said it before - but he said it load enough for the scoutmaster hear it. You would have thought he said something about his mother wearing army boots. The scoutmaster kicked him out of scouts and told him to never come back. Now this didn’t last very long, as he called the scoutmaster later and asked to be reinstated.

When he came back the scoutmaster did something he shouldn’t have done - he told my friend to apologize to the assistant scoutmaster for what he had said. This may have been fine if he had heard it in the first place, but he wasn’t there that week and had no idea what events had transpired. He approached the assistant and told him what had been said and that he was sorry. The guy went ballistic, can you blame him. He started yelling at us and said a couple of things a scoutmaster shouldn’t say and stormed out the door and never come back.

The greatest story wasn’t his idea and he was only part of it because we made him. We showed up on his doorstep one time in high school and asked him what he was doing – he said nothing so we grabbed him and preceded to tie him up – with ropes. Now I’m an Eagle Scout I know how to tie great knots. We never put a gag in his mouth, we weren't too concerned what he would say, and as a matter of fact it made it funnier to hear his frustration. We then drove to a girls house that he had a crush on, I had told him earlier that he needed to just talk to her. We then put him on her doorstep, rang the doorbell and ran. We knew she was home and we would have come back if she wouldn’t have been – you just can’t leave a kid tied up on someone’s porch for a couple of hours.

They were kind of forced to talk to each other because - what else can you do when you answer the door and find some kid tied up on your front porch. It would have been cool if they ended up getting married and we were the ones that got them together – but oh well it was just a joke that turned out ok for us.

The next story was his idea and it got me in trouble so I guess the last one was kind of my attempt to get him back. For this story I’m going to use his own words, he put them in a story for my birthday.

“One day I overheard a conversation that described a unique scheme to make money. I told Paul how we could go around the neighborhood and pretend we were on a scavenger hunt – not with a long list of sundry items, but one through which we could make some sweet moo-lah. We would knock on a door an tell the homeowner we were on a scavenger hunt and that we were looking for, say, a 1975 quarter or dime or nickel. Sometimes when the people told us they only had a 1974-quarter we would reply, Oh yeah, we need that one also.

After we collected a pocketful of change, we thought we best head to Skanchy’s to spend our loot. We stopped at Paul’s house on the way. As we were walking down the driveway, Paul’s dad came out the front door and toward Paul and me. He addressed us and asked what we had been up to. Apparently one of the ward members had called Bishop Champlin and told him what we had been doing. He instructed Paul that what we had done was not right and that Paul should return the money. I knew it was time for me t go home. Through the years I’ve always looked to Paul as an example and value his friendship.”

There isn’t a great morale to these stories – but I was there for each of them and also value my friendship with Keith.

Speech impediment –-

I guess we all have challenges and weaknesses that we need to over come during our lifetime. One of my brothers had to wear corrective shoes with braces like Forrest Gump. If the movie would have been made earlier we could have chased him with our car yelling – run Jeffrey run! Another brother weighted less than a hundred pounds in high school, now for a girl that would be a dream come true, but its hard to play football when the equipment weights more than you do. He was as a great athlete but was cut from the basketball team because the wrestling coach needed someone to wrestle 95 lbs – he was devastated.

I won’t go into all of my brothers and sisters problems – it would take too long! I had my fair share, for that matter you always think you have more than your share, its called self-pity. I was a terrible speller and a slow reader, for that matter I was on the far end of the learning curve. I went to the Ebonics learning center for special classes. This cost precious money that was in short supply with such a large family. None of the other kids would have liked to trade me places – but they would have liked to have the extra money.

In order to find out what was wrong I was even sent to a physiologist for evaluation. I don’t remember lying down on a coach or anything – but he must have found out enough that the whole family had to come back for a group visit. I don’t know what happened in there because I had to stay out in the hall. Now I don’t know how you would like the whole family behind closed doors talking about your problems. According to one of my brothers dad was so mad at what took place, I never had to go back to that guy.

The one thing that didn’t change is that I’ve tried to be the center of attention ever since. Part of the problem is that I had a speech impediment – now I probably would have been made fun of at school but I was bigger than all the other kids and they were afraid I would thump them. But as a young boy it was as awkward as Jeff’s leg braces.

The elementary school I attended was only a couple of blocks from the local university – I remember right after school I would walk up the hill to go to special classes at the speech pathology building. They were mostly one-on-one sessions and they also had a couple of students come down to work with me at the elementary school as well. I guess I was their challenge or test case – cure this kid and you get to graduate.

I wish I had the records from the school or university telling everyone what was wrong with me. Oh well, if I did life might be harder as I may start believing it. I do remember I said curtain words wrong. As a young boy I was motivated by a couple of things food and money – for that matter I think those things motivate every little kid. In order to help me correct the problem I was given a golf counter that I wore on my wrist – every time I said a word incorrectly I would push the counter. Two of my friends were asked to wear them as well and if they heard a word used incorrectly they would keep track. Now I don’t remember all the details but if they caught me saying thing so many times they got a cash prize – if not I got it.

There were other incentives – one week it was tickets to a university basketball game. The university had just built a new arena and it was nice. The tickets were in the student section, which is first come first seated. My friends and I were some of the first ones there and we ended up on the second row. The game we attended happen to be nationally televised, as both teams were in the top twenty.

This was the same year the NCAA came up with what they thought was a wonderful idea – make the slam dunk against the rules. What a wild game – it ended up in overtimes and there were a lot of fights on and off the court, one of our team member even got his jaw broken. During the game, according to my fan club, they showed me on camera a number of times and made a comment that this has to be one of the youngest students they had ever seen.

They probably thought I was one of those genius kids that skipped multiple grades to get into college – that’s not a common mistake made about me! Because the teams were so mad and the game was so intense, one of our players (one of the only ones that eventually had a great pro career) stole the ball and went to the other end and slammed it home. This was like pouring fuel on the fire the crowd went bazerk.

The national television audience took in the action as they showed the youngest student ever - full scream yelling jood joob – jood joob, pushing his golf counter. I don’t know if it was the students that helped me or if it was the fact that I’ve never stopped talking – but eventually I over came my problem and can now carry on a normal conversation. I’ve given hundreds of speeches or discourses since that time and every once in a while I still have problems saying curtain words or phrases - like yes you can buy that or sure you can go out with that loser!

Road Trip - (By Lori)

My wife wrote this story for my birthday – of course after all these years I’m able to see the humor of what was a wonderful and tragic vacation.

“ We moved back to Logan in May of 1993, it was the year Spencer turned three, so that is how I remember. We had been reading the Book of Mormon as a family and Paul had the idea that we could chart our progress and when we finished he told the kids we could go to Disneyland!!! It just so happened that we finished our goal about the time that we moved in to our new home. Not a great time to spend money on a vacation, but I told Paul that we couldn’t break that promise. So we went ahead with our plans. Paul came up with the idea to pay the kids money for every hour that they could be good in the car and not bother each other. It worked out great because you to give them money for souvenirs anyway. Well we had a good drive and several of my family members decided to tag along. We wanted to go to Sea World along with Disneyland, but my family didn’t care to go with us to Sea World so we went there first.

This is a great story. Ashley would have been just short of eight years old making Jayme 5 ½ and Spencer just past his third birthday. We had fun at Sea World seeing as many shows as possible. When it was time for the Shamu show Paul really wanted to sit in the splash zone so he coaxed the kids to sit with him, as usual I decided to stay clear of the splash zone. It is called the splash zone for a reason and so during the show Shamu came swimming by and did a jump right in front of the slash zone and sure enough those sitting in that area were drenched. All of the kids were crying and the worse part was that our video camera got drenched as well. Good idea Paul! Luckily it is southern California so even though it was October it was warm so the clothes dried quickly, but I did make Paul go to the car for some dry shoes and socks for the kids. Unluckily for us I don’t think that our video camera ever did work properly after being soaked in salt water.

The next part of the trip was also a memory. We met up with Brian & LeAnn’s family, Grandma, Grandpa, Donny, I’m not sure but I think everyone was there but Lisa’s family. Well anyway LeAnn had a friend that had gone to the character breakfast at the Disneyland Hotel so she suggested that we try it out. It sounded really great because it was only suppose to be about three dollars for the kids and a little more for the adults. When we got to the restaurant there was quite a wait and so we just sat there. None of us even looked at the menu or the prices. My mom and Lynette had stayed back at the hotel because they weren’t ready yet but the rest of us went. It was a great meal, all you could eat, Mickey waffles, hot dishes, cereal, fruit, etc. The best part was that the kids didn’t really eat much because they were excited to get in to Disneyland. There were a few characters there like Goofy, Minnie and maybe Mickey but really not as many as I had expected. When they brought us the bill it was like about eighty dollars, and they didn’t take a credit card. We had to spend the money we had promised the kids for being so good in the car! The next best part was that Mom and Lynette had seen a lot more characters at the entrance to the park than we had seen because we rode the monorail into the park. So it was overall a great trip, but we learned that you should never take someone’s word on the price of a meal without checking the price yourself, and you should not take your video camera into the “Splash Zone.””

Birthday-

When I was younger a birthday was possibly only trumped by Christmas and the last day of school. The older you get the more people try to act like they doesn’t happen anymore. The younger you are the greater the event becomes – especially if your lucky enough to have a birthday party. I don’t remember having that many, but what a great idea – hanging out with friends and getting presents. One of the parties I remember the most was the time we went roller-skating. Now most of my friends didn’t know that I was taking lessons every Saturday morning. We practice going around in circles over and over. Once in a while we would add a tricks or move, shooting the duck was my favorite. This is basically crouching down and sticking your leg out like a gun – then you could see who could hold it the longest. Now my party was an opportunity to showcase my skills, wow they were going to be jealous. As I've gotten older I told my family I don’t need a party - especially on my major birthday, the ones that end in zero. Up until now they have honored those wishes as we have had just family gatherings with pie and a few presents. I really haven’t had a problem with getting older; for the most part it has been a non-event. Oddly the age I had the hardest time with was when I turned twenty. Not only does it end in a zero but also it is the year you’re not a teenager or an adult. It’s kind of like being in limbo. Maybe it was hard for me because I wasn’t around any of my family or friends. Now you have to remember that when you turn twenty you don’t know what it feels like to turn forty or fifty - so I'm sure it would be easier now. I just turned fifty and my family made it a bigger deal than I wanted them too. My wife told me it was our oldest daughter that insisted they do something. Now that it's over and done with I’m glad they did, it was a lot of fun. They sent out invitations to most of my family and a number of friends. The last thing I needed was black balloons or gifts that make fun of my memory – a couple of people brought some nuts because they think that’s what would like me feel the most at home. But those that knew how to read were told not to bring gifts. The greatest idea was that my wife knows I’m obsessed with these stories – so she asked all that would like too, to bring a short story about me that they remember. They were the greatest presents I could have gotten. Some of them I will write into my own words – others I will keep just the way they are in order to show another point of view. There were about thirty or so people that showed up – which was great because I didn’t think I had any friends at all. I’m sure that some of them came because they didn’t want to offend my wife. But they made me feel good and it was an enjoyable evening. Some of the stories were different than the way I remember them and a couple I didn’t remember at all. Of well it doesn’t matter that much, especially because there was pie. It was a come and go affair so there were people at our house for a couple of hours, and luckily there was pie left over for later. In some ways I wish I could go back and shot the duck – and go counter clock-wise until I get sick. But really in the end I think everything would pretty much be the same, I would hang out with friends and get presents. The next time I have a birthday that ends in a zero I think I’ll take my wife on a trip so she won't have to watch what she says or does in order to keep the surprise.

Tracking -

Many times what we want isn’t what’s supposed to be, other times the Lord helps us to put things in proper perspective. As missionaries in order to have a little fun while working we would play little games to pass the time. Approaching a door one of us would say a word just before it opened and the other missionary was suppose to use that word in the door approach. There were a couple of rules – the word had to be one everybody knew what it meant, and you needed to keep down the laughter when they tried to use it – otherwise its hard to accomplish what you really were there for. There were a number of other things we would do while going door-to-door looking for someone to teach. Ultimately the goal was to teach the gospel to anyone that would listen. One afternoon we were tracking and trying to have a little fun, we wasn't having much success. Being a nineteen-year-old male also meant we weren’t always as mature as we should have been. Knocking on one door a beautiful your lady about our age answered, she had a big smile and was quite pleasant. I think that the first thing I thought was WOW. The next thing was something like - “I’m going to baptize my wife!” I don’t have a lot of it, but I turned on all the charm I could muster. It didn’t take long before I had her laughing and I was on the path to teaching something about eternal marriage. I knew there was a connection and she was enjoying our conversation, then she dropped the lead balloon. Can lesbians be baptized in your church? It felt like a cold bucket of water had been poured over my head – of course not, well then I can’t join your church. I don’t know if she said that to get rid of us or if it was really true. We thanked her for her time and went on our way. Most people were a little more direct if they weren’t interested or wanted us to leave. This was most obvious at the first door I ever knocked on. My companion was a great guy and tried to do what ever he could to make me feel comfortable. As we approached our first door together he told me to go ahead and act as voice. I had practiced a few times in the MTC and in my mind – but there’s nothing like the real thing. As the door opened I started to say what I thought would work – but I only got a couple of words out when he went into a rage and started to using words I can’t repeat and to access us of all kinds of things. This was followed with a slamming of the door in our faces. My companion was extremely concern that I was OK after such a response. I think I took him back a little as I started to laugh – he asked if I was all right and I said, “oh-yes, you don’t understand I get to use this story for the rest of my life.” He started to laugh and said I would be OK. Tracking isn’t normally a confidence building experience – you just need to not take it personal. These people don’t know you personally and don’t really understand what you believe or are trying to teach them. Who knows you might have caught them on a bad day. I spent a lot of hours looking for someone to teach and some time later I married another beautiful woman that had been baptized many years before – who didn’t try to get rid of me the first time we met.

Cattle Prod Inspiration -

I’ve received inspiration a number of ways over the years – normally it’s a wonderful comforting feeling that what I’m doing or praying about is what needs to happen or is true. Other times its given as a direct command that something needs to be done right now. Some times it’s given in what I call the cattle prod approach. Good or bad - your directed or led to be at the right place at the right time. None of these methods are wrong, if I’m doing what I’m suppose to, hopefully I’ll be able to accomplish what the Lord wants me to do. One such cattle prod moment happen as a missionary in El Paso Texas. I had been serving in my area for a couple of months with wonderful experiences and opportunities. This day was perhaps one of the worse days of my mission - everything seemed to be going wrong. Appointments were being cancelled, others weren’t there when we showed up – it was one of the three times I had a gun pulled on me as a missionary. Our spirits were quite low and I needed something good to happen to us and soon. I turned to my companion and said we needed to go see a family that had just committed to baptism the night before. He pointed out that we had just been there yesterday and had another appointment in a couple of days - they wouldn’t be expecting us. All of this was true, but I just needed to talk to someone that would be nice to me. I was the senior companion and despite my companions objections we started the long bike ride to the other end of our area. The problems seemed to continue as we made our way to the neighborhood where this family lived. As we approached the house I started to formulate what I would say when they asked why we were there. No explanation was needed; as this wonderful sister opened the door I saw tears in her eyes and the rest of the family kneeling in pray in the living room. She stated, “Elders we have been praying that you would come.” This was before cell phones and there was no way they would have known where we were of how to get hold of us. We went in and found out that this sister had just come from the doctors office and been diagnosed with some form of cancer. We anointed her head with oil and for the first time that day I felt the power of the spirit, I received the prompting that she would be fine and would be healed. After giving her a blessing by the power of the priesthood, we talked and read some scriptures. As we left their home we were in greater spirits then when we had arrived. In the weeks that passed the doctors were amazed that when she had an operation no cancer was found. This wasn’t a surprise to us or this wonderful family as their faith was extremely strong and the blessing of the Lord were poured out as they had committed to follow the Savior. A cattle prod is a tool that helps guide the cows to go where the farmer wants them to go. Some times the prodding isn’t pleasant or easy. I’ve often wondered why I hadn’t had the impression to just go to their house. But like has happened to Gods people throughout history, I first needed to be humbled before I was asked to fulfill an opportunity to use the priesthood to help someone in need. This lesson was more for me than for the family concerned. The Lord knew I would go where I needed to be, and that their faith was sufficient to be healed. He also knew what I needed to learn and where I would go for relief.

Kites --

Some time ago we went to Southern California and visited the beach. It was amazing the number and different types of kites we saw. The construction of a kite has become a feat of engineering and skill. I guess there was more than one type of kite in the seventies, but not many more and most of them were made of paper. The ones they sold at our stores were the normal five-point or an occasional box kite – which no one wanted those. Now kites are made of all kinds and things and can do amazing tricks.

As a kid we lived across the street from an old elementary school that had a playground made of asphalt, maybe that’s why it isn’t used as a school anymore or maybe it’s because it’s one of those two story jobs that doesn’t have an elevator to get up and down the stairs if you have a disability. I think it’s just old; it’s a cool looking building and now is a community center with all kinds of activities.

The kite we all wanted was the five-point type, black and white with the scull and crossbones on the front. Unlike those at the beach in California, we only flew our kites in the spring. That could be because that’s the only time the stores sold them. I know they had different colors but that wouldn’t put fear in your opponent like the skull and crossbones would. Now in order to understand the fear part you need to know we didn’t just fly our kites as a leisurely activity - this was war.

I found out later in life that this was something done in many parts of the world but to us we thought it was our idea and the highlight of the spring. It wasn’t just the like bumper cars at the amusement park – but more like bumper cars with knifes. Knifes would have been to heavy, so our kites were lined with razor blades. The more agile and movable your kite the greater the damage it could inflict on your enemies. During such battles there was always someone that tried to avoid encounters, hoping to let everyone else get damaged before he decided to engage. This might have worked for a short period of time until someone figured it out and then alliances were formed to eliminate the coward. I usually didn’t win because the others cheated and would real in their kite a little so you couldn’t hit it – this was hard to detect until they cut your string and it was floating to the ground.

In the long run that wasn’t so bad as it’s easier to fix the string than a big slash in the middle of your paper kite. By the end of the day it looked more like tape than paper. One day I was the only person flying my kite. I don’t remember if it was for leisure or I was honing my skill for the next battle. Now being the only participant it’s hard to lose – but it seemed to happen anyway. All of the sudden I looked up and I had a hole in the middle of my kite. As it floated the hole started to get larger and started to lose elevation. Not knowing what had happened I looked around and happened to see someone in the upstairs window of the house right behind me.

This was one of my supposed friends with a pelt gun in his hands. He had shot my kite out of the air. Now I understand the feeling of ancient warfare when they had always used swords and spears and all of the sudden someone invented a gun. How do you defend yourselves from that? I started to yell at him and he acted like he wasn’t there. He never apologized or bought me a new kite – I really didn’t expect him too. That was one of the lessons of warfare; this was the kid that always lost the other hand-to-kite combat, so you have to give him credit for finding another way to win. Actually, it was an amazing shot.