100

Ya - the crest, the climax, the reaching of a lofty goal. When I started this hobby, quest or dream I had decided to write a hundred entries - stories or what ever you want to call them. This is it! When I look over the titles there are only a few that I'm not proud of - I have a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. There are approximately fifteen or twenty that I would consider my classics - the ones that make me laugh just thinking of them. This quest started when my loving wife told me that my church talks needed some more spice - that I needed to add personal experiences so they wouldn't be so boring. Then I realised that many of my stories aren't the one's you'd tell in church - I wanted them to be recorded as well. It's also been said that I' m not as funny as I think I am, so I'm not offender that others don't like my stories as much as I do. As far as my fleeting memories allow - all of them are true and happened just like they are written, minus a bit of humor. I have sent copies to many people that are involved and asking them to make corrections if they thought it needed to be done. As I was talking to Lori and my daughter Kamie about the number 100, my mind went to the classic movie scene in the the movie "You've Got Mail" when Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are talking about the e-mail address of her pen pal or secret admirer. Unbeknown to Meg Ryan that person is Tom Hanks and the movie is approaching the time in which this fact will be made known to her. That e-mail address is NY152, they are trying to decide what the number 152 stands for - "he's a 152 years old, he had 152 moles removed and he has 152 pockmarks on his face, 152 people that thinks he looks like Clark Gable, 152 people that think he looks like a Clarke Bar." She then says "152 insights into my soul." Indeed writing stories about your life and experiences is like bearing 100 insights into my soul. Many of these are spiritual experiences, others are poking fun of my shortcoming and mistakes. But for the most part this is who and what I am. The experiences that each of us have are what make us the kinds of people that we are. Not only has this been a journey but in a way it has become a obsession, I have had five different entries printed in the local paper and many others sent to friends and family. Most of them still need to be edited and I'm not the greatest orator. I want to take some time to add pictures and correct the spelling and grammar. I also have decided that the reaching of this goal isn't the end of my journey, but it will continue - hopefully for years as I continue to write and make a fool out of myself.

What did you say?

First things first - some of you might find this one to be a little offensive, that wasn't my intent and if you feel that way I'm sorry. We all say things that are stupid or use a word that doesn't mean the same thing it once did, hows a person suppose to know? Some people are masters of speech and languages, they are able to speak volumes with only a few words or ideas. This doesn't always mean that what they are saying is correct or worth listening too. I've heard politicians give a discourse or presentation that was concise, eloquent and full of crap. Maybe that's why they were elected in the first place. I guess if someone tells you what you want to hear you may vote for them weather or not they have the ability or desires to fulfill their promises. Others use a word that they didn't intend to use or even know what it means. An acquittance told me that his toddler was begging him to watch the movie 101 Damnation's - now this is a more realistic concept than someone having 101 spotted dogs. Just let the kid watch cable TV for a couple of hours and they will see more than 101 things that someone would view as damnable offences. We took a group of teenagers on a pioneer trek to understand their heritage and what sacrifices where made in their behalf. There is a wonderful place in central Wyoming ran by Mormon missionaries where a number of pioneers lost their lives trekking to their Zion. During the orientation an Elderly missionary kept telling the kids that they shouldn't wear thongs because of the roughness of the trail, snakes and the dirt. That's what we use to call flip flops and this poor woman was as clueless as the kids were as to why she was spending time talking about such an embarrassing topic. At least none of the them slept through the presentation. This isn't the only word that has changed meaning - when I was a kid and went to church they had a separate meeting for the kids called Primary. The best part of it was singing time, we sang hundreds of songs. There were two that parts of the song aren't in the book anymore. One went something like this, "I am gay tra-la-la, night and day tra-la-la. The other one said, "I'm so glad when grandpa comes, when grandpa comes we're gay." I don't think these are songs they want your children singing at church. If a little boy walked down the street singing about his grandpa - there might be an investigation. A co-worker didn't feel so good the other day and took some medication, it kind of did some things to her, as she was laying down she made the comment that she was feeling a little queer. That's a blast from the past. I'm sure the medication wasn't making her question her sexual preference. My grandmother use to always say when someone make a mistake that they puller a big boner - I looked it up in the dictionary, it said a blunder or mistake. That might be true, but still don't say it in mixed company. All of these examples are because of changes in society or interpretation - but that doesn't change the fact that some people just don't have tact or don't care what people think. I was given the opportunity to serve as the head of our congregation at church. This is a big job and takes a lot of your spare time. This is a volunteer position and so you don't get paid. Right after I was sustain a lady came up to me and said she couldn't believe I was called to such a position. She stated that I was the most immature and irreverent person she knew - how would you like to start out with those expectations? Luckily for me she wasn't a member of my congregation, she has never brought up the topic again and I have long since been released. The other day my brother and I attended a viewing for one of our old friends that grew up in the neighborhood. There were a number of people from what we could now call the hood. One elderly couple was there that has know us for ever - he started to comment on how well we turned out and how proud he was of us. She decided to join in and said "I didn't think you guys would amount to anything." Well at least she didn't tell us that back then - maybe we would have believed her. I guess we need to remember that each of us have different opinions and some of the time what we are saying isn't looked at the way it was intended to be.

General Conference Tradition –

Some traditions are so embedded that who knows where they started or why we keep them going - we just need too. As a kid our Mom use to make rice pudding every Christmas - no one liked it but Dad. I'm sure there were some deep seeded memories - or it was just a chance for him to have something he liked without ten kids devouring it. That's the reason he bought Maple Nut Ice Cream - it would last longer than the twelve seconds it took us to realize there was Ice Cream in the house. Other times everyone knows when a tradition started - we had so much fun at an event that we're just trying to recreate the memories. Occasionally that's like trying to get lighting to strike in the same place twice. When there's a large difference in ages between the kids, we just want the younger ones to have the sames experiences. Growing up Lori had Easter egg huts - that works great in warm Las Vegas, but in Logan it's still cold and there could still be snow at Easter. So we decided to do it inside. Now the Easter Bunny is great at hiding eggs, so good that we've found some months later. Because there's a thirteen-year difference between the oldest and youngest children it's hard to make it fair and keep the older ones enthused. One of my co-workers gave me the perfect solution. Midst all the eggs, baskets and candy he placed plastic eggs filled with money. Tell a couple of staving college kids that there is money involved and someone could get a bloody nose. Thus began a new tradition. One year one of our daughters decided to bring along a kid that thought he wanted to be part of the family - what in the heck was she thinking? He came from a great family - but apparently they don't believe in candy or treats. He had never had an Easter basket let alone a free-for-all egg hunt. Well if he still wants to be part of the family after this? I guess I shouldn't put it all on one tradition - we have plenty of things that might drive away a possible suitor. He was defiantly hesitant and reserved. It didn't drive him away so the next Easter when he was part of the family, watch out - he was part of a starving college student dual. I have a feeling that our grandchildren will be hunting Easter eggs for years to come. This isn't even the story I wanted to tell. A tradition I've continued from my youth happens at General Conference. After the general Priesthood meeting all of the men would go out for dinner or a treat - this was just about the only time we went out, why wouldn't I be excited about that? Only having one son this would be great and not that expensive. He wasn't invited until he turned twelve - that's old enough to decide where he wanted to eat. Living in a predominantly Mormon community there are a lot of people that go out for dinner after, sometimes the lines at the restaurants are quite long. Well here we go his first opportunity to choose - really Panda Express? Well it didn't cost very much and there was only one other group there so we didn't have to wait very long. Over the years we've never gone to the same place twice - but for some reason the food has gotten better and more expensive with each visit. Panda Express, Fire House Pizzeria, Copper Mill Restaurant - then we went to some Japanese place with my brothers. The last one was a testosterone heaven, now that 's not it's name - but it could be since it's an all-you-can-eat meat fest. Rodizio's is a Brazilian restaurant where they walk around with big skewers of meat to cut off a slice at any table where people haven't passed out yet. I'll admit it was good and expensive. This time one of my son-in-laws decided he wanted to be part of the tradition, this isn't the same guy that never had an Easter basket, it's the other one - oh sure decide to become part of a tradition when we're going for the mother lode! My son has been on a mission the past couple of times and I'm sure we'll start the tradition back up when he gets home. I don't know where we'll go - but I know it will be expensive and worth every penny!

Selfish?

Dinner with six adults, two teenagers and seven kids eleven and under – that’s fifteen in all. There was two pans of lasagna – stacks of garlic bread, bread sticks, green beans and ceasar salad. I guess I should have known it wasn't going to be a normal meal when the four-year old that blessed the food prayed that we would be able to go to Disneyland. Ashley took a heaping helping of salad, it probably wasn’t half of it - but it looked like it. I questioned her on it –“excuse me there are a lot of people that want salad, you don’t have to be so selfish!” She answered – “I’m not trying to be selfish, I just wanted it.” Is taking more than you need or more than your fair share selfish, or is it just taking care of your wants or perceived needs? That’s a stupid question; I guess those that are selfish or self-centered don’t see it that way. Latrell Sprewell a professional basketball player was offended when his team offered to resign him for only eleven million dollars a year – after he had been making more the year before. I think in his explanation he stated that he “wouldn’t be able to feed his family.” Now if I had to feed the group I mentioned for every meal and we had steak, lobster – what in the heck are they eating? “Bernard Madoff, the author of the biggest Ponzi scheme in history, told inmates at the Butner prison where he is serving his 150 years jail sentence that his victims deserved what happened to them, because they were rich and greedy, according to an article in New York Magazine. One evening a fellow prisoner kept asking Madoff about the victims of his $65 billion scheme and Madoff, angered, said: (blank) my victims. I carried them for twenty years, and now I'm doing 150 years." (CNBC.com 6/7/2010) Madoff – what a great name for a scammer, he “made off” with a lot of other peoples money. I guess it’s not selfish if you think your entitled or those that suffer deserved it. But who gets to be the judge – those that check your kids height, weight and write them a prescription now and then are ten times more important than those that teach them to read. At least you would think so if you checked their pay stubs. Boy - I’m being a lot more political than normal. When it comes to our children, each of them seem to have a different opinion of what they are entitled too. Some don’t ask for much when others seem to have their hand out while the other one is in my back pocket. Now I shouldn’t be throwing the first stone – I think about what’s best for me before those around me all the time – I definitely have more pity parties than birthday parties and that includes all of my families as well. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we should stop once in a while and think of how our actions affect those around us. I’m sure not all of Madoff’s victims could afford to lose their money. All I know is that the lasagna was great - but I didn’t get any salad!

Filler –

There are a number of things that people are scared of: Death, I think we all know why - we’ve never done it before. Taxes, this is especially true when you get a letter or call from the IRS. I’ve never received a call but I have gotten and couple of letters. Both times I was right, but I had to prove it. After a couple of faxes of a birth certificate and social security card they decided to let me keep one of my kids. The next year I think the computer hadn’t gotten all of the bad information out – so I had it do it all over again. It wasn’t that big of a deal, it just delayed part of my return. I think we could go on forever discussing what people are afraid of. They say that one of the most common fears is public speaking. My little sister thought public speaking was talking to anyone other than our family. I think that for the first half of her life she hid behind our mother whenever we left the house. We were only a year apart in school and when we got to high school hardly anyone knew I had a little sister. Maybe that’s because we didn’t look or act a bit alike – it was easy for her to hideout as I was in front of everyone trying to get attention. I was willing to speak anytime – anyplace, whether I was suppose too or not. That doesn’t mean I don’t get nervous or crash and burn once in a while. The scriptures say that if ye are prepared ye shall not fear. I don’t think they were talking about public speaking. But it’s my experience the more prepare you are the better it usually turns out. Normally I’m obsessed when it comes to preparation for talks or presentations – usually I go over it so such you’d think I have it memorized, that may be true if I was twenty years younger – but at my age I don’t remember what I had for dinner yesterday. When most people are speaking they need to have fillers of phases when they change ideas or try to collect their thought. When done right this is a valuable tool – but when it’s not done right it can be quite distracting and detrimental to the presentation. Quite often I need to listen to a speaker or attend a seminar where those that are suppose to be in the know impart of their wisdom. One presenter seemed to be a little disorganized and used the word uhh, is that a word? He used it more than forty times in a fifteen-minute presentation. Now the reason I said more that forty times is because it took a moment before I started counting – that’s when it became obvious it was going to be the theme of his remarks. Now if your audience is counting uhh’s I promise you they will not remember what you wanted them to know. I really don’t think he even knew that he said it once. There are hundreds of words or phrases that people use in this way – but normally they don’t use it that often, or to be honest if they do their not presenting very often. In many religious congregations they call each other brother or sister. This is because we are all part of the family of God. The other night I was asked to give a talk to the male member of our stake – which is a group of wards or congregation. I guess I was a little distracted or was looking for what to say next - as three times during my talk I said “brothers and sisters.” Now this is s phrase I use quite often when there is actually men and woman in the audience. The next speaker trying to bring a little humor into the meeting stood up and said I still can’t see those sisters. Everyone had a laugh at my expense – well except me, I didn’t know what he was talking about.

Begging -

When I was a kid my dad hated it when the dog whined under the table until someone give him some food. “ He has his own food.” Then he would say something like there are a bunch of studies proving that his food is better for him than what we were eating. If that’s the case why are we eating this crap? More than once I have been to New York City for a seminar or training, they told us not to give money to the panhandlers or beggars. Someone told us that many of them make six digit incomes and don’t even pay taxes. Of course they don’t look like that is true – I guess if they did it wouldn’t be good for business. I don’t know if it is true, but if it is - scoot over bubby – that was more than the company that was training me was willing to pay and they took out taxes. If you look at it honestly we are all beggars – ask my wife, I’m begging all the time. I think that the three most common words used by a husband are (sorry you hopeless romantics, we all know what it should be) - “please” and “I’m sorry.” Now hopefully you say the other three once in a while or you’ll be saying these three all of the time. Usually the “I’m sorry” part is after she has finally gives in and it’s obvious she was right in the first place. Even in the scriptures there are a lot of times people are begging: for forgiveness, assistance, direction and then there’s those that think they know more than God and keep asking for things that really aren’t in their best interest. The children of Israel thought that they shouldn’t go into the promised land – so instead God let them wonder in the wilderness for forty-years. Hello! It’s called the Promised Land – it’s got to be better than the desert! My kids beg all the time, much of what their begging for really isn’t as important as they think it is. Being a good parent, sometimes you just need to let them try it out and learn for themselves. People beg for attention, acceptance, what ever they think is important or they need. A comedian begs for a laugh and will slam half the audience to make the rest of them laugh – then he’ll turn the tables and poke fun of the others. The ultimate act of begging is when your looking for a job, now most of you wouldn’t think of it as begging because you are giving something in return – but it feels like begging. Sadly it’s also a time that you hear those three words again, the “please” part most likely isn’t being said out load, but it’s something your saying inside. If there are tons of applicants than the “I’m sorry” is heard a lot. If you’re lucky you may even hear the other three words. I applied for a part-time gig that financial wouldn’t even be worth my time. It seems like I’m begging for attention or for a possibility to make a fool out of myself. The greatest part is that I don’t even know if there is an opportunity. It’s one of those things that if you have any brains at all you’ll be better off if you hear “I’m sorry” this just doesn’t work for us. That’s OK I’m use to saying I’m sorry all the time – I guess it’s about time someone said it too me.

She was just trying to help - published HJ 7/4/2010

One of the biggest challenges facing a parent is to help their children take responsibility or ownership of whatever they are involved in. This could include a team, organization, society and especially their family I’m not the greatest teacher when it come a selfless work ethic around the house. According to my brother, who hired my son to help him with his development business, my son didn’t even know how to properly use a shovel or rake. I guess I should have had him dig up the front lawn a couple of times to get the hang of it. Instead I let my brother pay him to learn under his tutelage.

The best way to say it is that our children are spoiled brats – they didn’t learn some of the normal family duties because we just did it for them. We know some parents that require their kids to do their own laundry, this just seems like a way to wreck your clothes so you would have to buy some new ones. Our teenage daughter thinks that if you happen to be starting the car – you might as well go to the mall to get a new outfit. Once in a blue moon the kids do something around the house, usually it’s after being asked a couple thousand times and finally it’s followed up with a threat or ultimatum. Once or twice in the last couple of decades they’ve done something without being asked – I’m sure this is to see if my heart is working properly and may be the number one cause of heart attacks in middle age fathers. The other day such an event took place – our daughter decided to do a little work in the yard. As I have stated this isn’t a common occurrence. Now before I give her too much credit, it was the first sunny day in more that three weeks and the way she was dressed anyone could see that getting a tan was on the top of her priority list. I’m not the greatest gardener in the world, as a matter of fact if it was a contest I would take last in the neighborhood.

When looking for an opportunity to help out the choices are abundant – and the one with the most unobstructed sun was the obvious winner. Lori and I had been up to the church and were gone for this hour of selective weeding. You can imagine our surprise when we rounded the corner and saw her actually working. Despite my own lack of labor in the yard I did notice that she was sitting in one of the only location I thought there wasn’t any weeds in the first place. There was a large pile of vegetation next to her on the lawn – that’s when my excitement became my grim reality. She had just spent the last hour pulling out all of our strawberry plants. She didn’t know that we had any strawberry plant – they hadn’t been there long enough to bear any fruit. This was going to be the year – not anymore. I guess they looked like weeds to her. I couldn’t really get mad at her since she was just trying to help out. I spent the next hour trying to replant strawberry with some sort of tender loving care. So that day we spent more than two hours in the yard and were farther behind than when we started.

The only other thing I said to her is that this is going to make a great story and I can feel a church talk coming on. I think there are a lot of times in life that those with more knowledge or experience look at those of us in the learning process and know that what is happening is going to take far longer to correct that the actions that caused the problem. Maybe I should consider building an atrium next to her bedroom room so that she can get a tan while she cleans her room. At least then nothing would die.